I've had a really good week. I've been happy for the most part, calm and relaxed, interactive with my surroundings. It really has been a healthy time for me this past week. But I feel the pressure building again. It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Couldn't last night either. I'm tired. I'm really tired, but every time I try to sleep I end up all up in my own brain and things get out of hand and I end up getting up cause I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I had stopped this week actually. It was nice to just go to bed at a normal time and go to sleep almost right away. I don't have that anymore. I was sitting out on the deck, listening to the generator hum away (we lost Hydro power today in the middle of the day, sounds like it's really, really serious), looking at the stars. It seems like I've come full circle. I was here, feels like a lifetime ago and yet not so long ago at the same time, doing the same thing as I am now. Not able to sleep thinking about how I'm supposed to figure out what life looks like without...
I've seen what a normal life looks like and it's people just trying to fill up their time and occupy their minds with whatever they can find to fill in the empty gaps. It's sad. It's exhausting. I have a new appreciation for people who can live like that (and the majority of the human race does) and not go insane. But then, maybe that's the thing, maybe we are all insane but no one can tell about the people around them cause they're too caught up in their own insanity.
So many years here and they all seem to blend into each other. Time on this rock is rather intangible. I feel like I've never left, like I've never existed off this rock. Soon it will be like I never existed on it. And I think there's more truth in that, we don’t' really exist in this place, we're caught in a time between earth and heaven where the spiritual work that needs to be done in everyone that steps foot here is carried out around us. Sometimes we get a glimpse of it. Sometimes we get to be a part of it. But for the most part it swirls around us, catching us up in it at times without us knowing it, and is brought to completion in some other place. The spiritual world knows no time or place. This place is so saturated in it that it takes on some of those very properties of intangibility.
