Monday, February 27, 2006
February 27, 2006
I didn't get called in to work today. Yeah. I bummed around. Talked to Heidi. Ate chicken salad and made a trip to Hanamasa to get more wine. I was out. It was a good day.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
February 26, 2006
Mum and I talked about the story of the virgins meaning that you need to have your own faith and can't be expected to get into heaven by using the light from someone else, you gots to gitchya own.
Talked with someone back home today, very enlightening into other people's minds. I did a bunch of sudokus on line, I'm addicted. Watched some tv. Started some downloads. I unfortunately found out I made a friend sick with my cooking. I'm evidently going to kill him by poisoning him. He said he's going to die either from a heart attack, being shot or poison. I've evidently, according to him, chosen the path of poison. So I ate the food myself, which I did last time as well so I say it's not my food, it's his stomach. That's what I say.
Talked with someone back home today, very enlightening into other people's minds. I did a bunch of sudokus on line, I'm addicted. Watched some tv. Started some downloads. I unfortunately found out I made a friend sick with my cooking. I'm evidently going to kill him by poisoning him. He said he's going to die either from a heart attack, being shot or poison. I've evidently, according to him, chosen the path of poison. So I ate the food myself, which I did last time as well so I say it's not my food, it's his stomach. That's what I say.
Friday, February 24, 2006
February 24, 2006
I feel like since my Saturday classes last week, my favourite classes have been especially sweet this week. My kindies today were just a whole lot of fun. My little girls are fun and sweet and they love having class with me. We had a great time. I will be sad to see them go. Or rather for me to go.
My crazy week finally feels like it's coming to an end. I'm worried that next week, the beginning will be easy because I did extra stuff this week, but now I'm at the end of the ahead work so that next week I'll be stuck. We'll see. I am feeling like I'm at a point now where I have a bunch of this down and the system of things. A friend was kind enough to look over my CPR's. It was nice to have a second opinion on stuff and have him erase things for me.
I watched Walk the Line, the story about Johnny Cash. It's essentially him falling in love with June and going insane. But then we he really hits bottom and she can't leave him alone it's like things made sense. He needed her to rescue him from the insanity that he had been plunged into because of his obsession with her. We make obsessions for ourselves and then need that object of our obsession to free us, release us, save us from the obsession. It was interesting to see the ideas of the article from yesterday present themselves so perfectly in his story. I would have liked to see more of the story of his music. As is, the movie is just another love story, although it's not a usual one. But I guess that it reflects what his life was. We see J.R. Cash as the person of Johnny who was on stage, who had stories in his music. But his life might not have revolved around his music in his own head. What we see our lives as being about can be totally different from what the world around us sees as our life. What does your life consist of in your brain? What do the people around you believe that your life consists of? They're probably two very different things. That's the discrepancy between what I believe a story about Johnny Cash should be about, and what he wrote about in his own story.
My crazy week finally feels like it's coming to an end. I'm worried that next week, the beginning will be easy because I did extra stuff this week, but now I'm at the end of the ahead work so that next week I'll be stuck. We'll see. I am feeling like I'm at a point now where I have a bunch of this down and the system of things. A friend was kind enough to look over my CPR's. It was nice to have a second opinion on stuff and have him erase things for me.
I watched Walk the Line, the story about Johnny Cash. It's essentially him falling in love with June and going insane. But then we he really hits bottom and she can't leave him alone it's like things made sense. He needed her to rescue him from the insanity that he had been plunged into because of his obsession with her. We make obsessions for ourselves and then need that object of our obsession to free us, release us, save us from the obsession. It was interesting to see the ideas of the article from yesterday present themselves so perfectly in his story. I would have liked to see more of the story of his music. As is, the movie is just another love story, although it's not a usual one. But I guess that it reflects what his life was. We see J.R. Cash as the person of Johnny who was on stage, who had stories in his music. But his life might not have revolved around his music in his own head. What we see our lives as being about can be totally different from what the world around us sees as our life. What does your life consist of in your brain? What do the people around you believe that your life consists of? They're probably two very different things. That's the discrepancy between what I believe a story about Johnny Cash should be about, and what he wrote about in his own story.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
February 23, 2006
I read an article today in National Geographic that was a study about Love and the chemical reactions that happen in the brain when people "fall in love". It's the same chemical imbalance of dopamine that you see in a person who is diagnosed with OCD. Interesting that it has the same chemical levels and a lot of the same outward symptoms. Makes the actions of some make more sense. Look at history and stories of great loves and the extent which they're willing to go. They're all a little nuts. But then later comes a bonding chemical which makes people stick around with each other. National Geographic rocks.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
February 22, 2006
Yet another mind-numbing day. I barely got through teaching today. I had another hour long make-up lesson tacked on to the end of my day. At least he was a cute University student. He was a nice kid. The rest of the day was the usual. It's days like these that will make me glad to not be teaching anymore. Last Saturday was a day that made me feel like I was going to miss teaching the kids. Today was succesful in reversing that.
I came home to some tuna on salad with wine and some downloaded History channel. A show of the first emperor of China. It's pretty good, very interesting. It's kind of cheesily done, but it's still really interesting. It's one guy who takes over the rest of the states within China and he unifies them. He's ruthless and takes over everything and kills his own family (half brothers and such). He gets all paranoid so he makes a whole "spiritual" army out of terra cotta who could take care of him after he dies from the souls of those he's sacrificed. Full sized and everything. Pretty rad. Once he takes over and then makes everything peaceful, he nees to keep things that way and he takes all the de-conscripted soldiers and such and starts to make a barrier to seal in the empire. A wall, if you like! He totally goes nuts. The legend goes that he was buried in a mosoleum that had a map of his empire around him with the rivers made of mercury. Seems that they've found it (near the army statue guys) and there's large amounts of mercury in the ground that has seeped in the same formation as the bodies of water are in the area of China the map was to represent. So far it looks like the legend has some truth to it. It's all done with digital imagine and such. The Chinese government doesn't want to go all nutso in to digging the place out because they don't want to disturb it. They're waiting for better technology to come along. Sounds like a good idea to me.
I came home to some tuna on salad with wine and some downloaded History channel. A show of the first emperor of China. It's pretty good, very interesting. It's kind of cheesily done, but it's still really interesting. It's one guy who takes over the rest of the states within China and he unifies them. He's ruthless and takes over everything and kills his own family (half brothers and such). He gets all paranoid so he makes a whole "spiritual" army out of terra cotta who could take care of him after he dies from the souls of those he's sacrificed. Full sized and everything. Pretty rad. Once he takes over and then makes everything peaceful, he nees to keep things that way and he takes all the de-conscripted soldiers and such and starts to make a barrier to seal in the empire. A wall, if you like! He totally goes nuts. The legend goes that he was buried in a mosoleum that had a map of his empire around him with the rivers made of mercury. Seems that they've found it (near the army statue guys) and there's large amounts of mercury in the ground that has seeped in the same formation as the bodies of water are in the area of China the map was to represent. So far it looks like the legend has some truth to it. It's all done with digital imagine and such. The Chinese government doesn't want to go all nutso in to digging the place out because they don't want to disturb it. They're waiting for better technology to come along. Sounds like a good idea to me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
February 21, 2006
I managed to get three classes worth of planning done up to the week that I leave today. That's my goal for this week, each day, get as much done for the next month as possible so that I can chill and be normal for my remaining 3 weeks, after this week.
I came home, a bit early. My students for my last class didn't show. I had a 2 hour break and then a 90 minute class to finish, so I actually finished teaching at 5:30 tonight, but because no one called, I had to stick around the school until 8:30. That's lame. But I got a lot done so that was good. I was supposed to stay until 9 so I got at least a half hour off. So when I got home, I made some chicken salad, yummy, lots of garlic and danced around while making dinner in my skirt and tank top to some fab New Wave music, which for those who don't know what it is, is far from being "new" music. Made me wish I had someone around the house to appreciate how totally hot I am!!
My brain feels like butter. All mushy soft butter that's been left out on the counter for to long. Like the plate of butter that always seemed to reside on top of our microwave when I was young. Our kitchen was always too hot (except in the winter, but even then, if it was sunny it would get warm) because of all the windows so the butter lived in a little white bowl that sometimes was on top of the microwave and sometimes in the cupboard above the roll up with the Cuisine Art, next to the stove. Sometimes you'd go to grab the little bowl type container and you'd stick your thumb right into the middle of a liquidy mess of melted butter. How you were supposed to spread it on your rye toast, I'll never understand, but there it was, as constant as the rain in Victoria and the school bus on Monday morning. That's how my brain feels today. Liquidy, partially coagulated mess. Mmmm, butter.
I came home, a bit early. My students for my last class didn't show. I had a 2 hour break and then a 90 minute class to finish, so I actually finished teaching at 5:30 tonight, but because no one called, I had to stick around the school until 8:30. That's lame. But I got a lot done so that was good. I was supposed to stay until 9 so I got at least a half hour off. So when I got home, I made some chicken salad, yummy, lots of garlic and danced around while making dinner in my skirt and tank top to some fab New Wave music, which for those who don't know what it is, is far from being "new" music. Made me wish I had someone around the house to appreciate how totally hot I am!!
My brain feels like butter. All mushy soft butter that's been left out on the counter for to long. Like the plate of butter that always seemed to reside on top of our microwave when I was young. Our kitchen was always too hot (except in the winter, but even then, if it was sunny it would get warm) because of all the windows so the butter lived in a little white bowl that sometimes was on top of the microwave and sometimes in the cupboard above the roll up with the Cuisine Art, next to the stove. Sometimes you'd go to grab the little bowl type container and you'd stick your thumb right into the middle of a liquidy mess of melted butter. How you were supposed to spread it on your rye toast, I'll never understand, but there it was, as constant as the rain in Victoria and the school bus on Monday morning. That's how my brain feels today. Liquidy, partially coagulated mess. Mmmm, butter.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
February 19, 2006
I woke up this morning to Yoko canceling on me. We were supposed to get together, but it was for the best cause I really didn't sleep much last night. I talked online to Wade for a bit and booked a flight from Vancouver to Nanaimo and talked to Dad. So, I really wasn't asleep before 4. After the call, I went back to bed and lay there for much of the morning and then slept again till like 2. It was nice to sleep. I had weird dreams though. Seems to be a daily occurrence. Or shall I say, a nightly occurrence.
I cleaned up a bit. I did some stuff online (banking and what-not). I made some spaghetti and now I'm writing. I'm going to possibly do some reading and I’m gong to watch more tv. That's my big plans for the day. Maybe I should study some Japanese before my class tomorrow. Yeah, we'll see about that.
I cleaned up a bit. I did some stuff online (banking and what-not). I made some spaghetti and now I'm writing. I'm going to possibly do some reading and I’m gong to watch more tv. That's my big plans for the day. Maybe I should study some Japanese before my class tomorrow. Yeah, we'll see about that.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
February 18, 2006
I have been pretty busy the last few days and it kinda feels good. I think that I was being too lazy and spending too much time thinking. Today I didn't get up as early as I had hoped for, but I was still able to get in to plan for my five classes (I got 2 extras tacked on) and then when I was done teaching I was able to get my planning for Tuesday all ready which will be a life saver that morning. The one thing that I was aware of through the day was how I felt about the kids I was with. My first class was Yui and Kenshin (plus others) and they have a special place in my heart. Yui was the one who it took like a month to get him to come out from under the table when I first started. Kenshin was actually relatively well behaved today, which was astounding, but more than that he was really close to me. We were looking at the wallchart of the text page, which we'll never do again because they practically ripped it apart, and he came and sat next to me behind the rest of the kids and he sat really close and I realized that I had put my arm around him and he was just sitting there really content. It was just a tender moment and really sweet that he felt comfortable with me and it touched my heart. I'm really going to miss a lot of these kids. A lot of them I won't, but there will always be a few that in 5 years I will wonder, "What did they turn out like? What are they doing now?"
So after work and staying an extra two hours to get stuff done, I got home and was feeling fairly invigorated. I decided to go for a run. I haven't run in like 4 months! I was a little afraid of what it was going to be like but I dropped everything as soon as I walked in, got changed and headed right out the door. I knew that if I didn't move quickly, I would get settled in and that would be the end of me for the night. I ran for a good 20 minutes without stopping or getting winded and felt really good doing it. It was an amazing experience to be able to go out for a run and have it not be a big deal. I wasn't dead tired or winded or in pain. It was just a run. I just needed to move. This must be what other people feel like when they exercise!! I was really surprised that my heart rate was a bit up but not thumping in my ears. I must be in better shape than I thought and it's inspiring me to continue living healthily when I return to Canada. I'm excited for working out to not be a big deal and something that I can go do if I have a spare half hour or hour.
After running, I rinsed off quickly and called LeeAnne to see if they were still up for having company. She had invited me over before, so I went off, feeling good about exercising, which of course lead to another 15 minute bike ride which is so good for me. We hung out a bit and they fed me salad and then we watched a video of a preacher they like. It was interesting. He definitely preaches the word and does so boldly, but it's almost too much. I felt like I was being yelled at and that he had a sort of righteous indignation about him that was bordering arrogance. He had a few good points but I had some real issues when he talked about kicking people out of the church (Christians, not non-believers) who had sin in their lives that they were unrepentant of. He picked an unfortunate example that made me mad. And of course, he had scripture (mostly of the rich young ruler, and I think it was Corinthians) to back up his position and justify "acting in love". I understand the premise of not being permissive, but I think there should be a balance of screaming at someone supposedly "in love" and "as a brother", and truly loving a person. There's nothing I hate more, well I'm sure there is but it would be a top of my list thing, than people within the church who say they are calling you on the sin in your life because it's what we're called to do as brothers and sisters. You don't know my sin and I don't know yours so back off. If you are a true friend and have a right and place in my life to call me on something then you will know how to do that in a way so that I will respond positively because you know me. I can't see the benefit of being yelled at by a practical stranger. Made me feel like I should just give up and go and live on the "Dark Side".
He spoke also about the 10 virgins who were waiting for the bride groom and many of them ran out of oil. It was an interesting take that most of us hadn't heard before. They were all waiting for the bridegroom, they all had lamps, they all had light, they even all fell asleep. But not all of them went with the bridegroom when he arrived. The ones who had run out of oil hadn't given up everything, back at the camping goods store, to buy all the oil they could possibly get. What got me was that they were all waiting, they were all the same except for the amount that they had given to buy all they could. It made me feel like God was saying, "You will be one of the ones who will not get to come with me. I will say to you, 'I don't know you'". Made me want to give up. Which was probably not the intended purpose of the preacher, but that's where it left me.
So after work and staying an extra two hours to get stuff done, I got home and was feeling fairly invigorated. I decided to go for a run. I haven't run in like 4 months! I was a little afraid of what it was going to be like but I dropped everything as soon as I walked in, got changed and headed right out the door. I knew that if I didn't move quickly, I would get settled in and that would be the end of me for the night. I ran for a good 20 minutes without stopping or getting winded and felt really good doing it. It was an amazing experience to be able to go out for a run and have it not be a big deal. I wasn't dead tired or winded or in pain. It was just a run. I just needed to move. This must be what other people feel like when they exercise!! I was really surprised that my heart rate was a bit up but not thumping in my ears. I must be in better shape than I thought and it's inspiring me to continue living healthily when I return to Canada. I'm excited for working out to not be a big deal and something that I can go do if I have a spare half hour or hour.
After running, I rinsed off quickly and called LeeAnne to see if they were still up for having company. She had invited me over before, so I went off, feeling good about exercising, which of course lead to another 15 minute bike ride which is so good for me. We hung out a bit and they fed me salad and then we watched a video of a preacher they like. It was interesting. He definitely preaches the word and does so boldly, but it's almost too much. I felt like I was being yelled at and that he had a sort of righteous indignation about him that was bordering arrogance. He had a few good points but I had some real issues when he talked about kicking people out of the church (Christians, not non-believers) who had sin in their lives that they were unrepentant of. He picked an unfortunate example that made me mad. And of course, he had scripture (mostly of the rich young ruler, and I think it was Corinthians) to back up his position and justify "acting in love". I understand the premise of not being permissive, but I think there should be a balance of screaming at someone supposedly "in love" and "as a brother", and truly loving a person. There's nothing I hate more, well I'm sure there is but it would be a top of my list thing, than people within the church who say they are calling you on the sin in your life because it's what we're called to do as brothers and sisters. You don't know my sin and I don't know yours so back off. If you are a true friend and have a right and place in my life to call me on something then you will know how to do that in a way so that I will respond positively because you know me. I can't see the benefit of being yelled at by a practical stranger. Made me feel like I should just give up and go and live on the "Dark Side".
He spoke also about the 10 virgins who were waiting for the bride groom and many of them ran out of oil. It was an interesting take that most of us hadn't heard before. They were all waiting for the bridegroom, they all had lamps, they all had light, they even all fell asleep. But not all of them went with the bridegroom when he arrived. The ones who had run out of oil hadn't given up everything, back at the camping goods store, to buy all the oil they could possibly get. What got me was that they were all waiting, they were all the same except for the amount that they had given to buy all they could. It made me feel like God was saying, "You will be one of the ones who will not get to come with me. I will say to you, 'I don't know you'". Made me want to give up. Which was probably not the intended purpose of the preacher, but that's where it left me.
Friday, February 17, 2006
February 17, 2006
Today was long at work. I totally didn't want to get up this morning. I got through all my planning right away and then I even got a little bit of one CPR done. I stayed longer and got most of them all done. My brain is now fried. Long day. I haven't eaten much tonight. Didn't have dinner. Now I need to hit the hay at like one in the morning because today I got an extra hour of teaching time and I have to finish my CPR's (paperwork) for Saturdays and all my planning for Tuesday classes. Makes me look forward to going home. That's not a very common thought for me right now. It's really starting to hit me more that I'm going. I took a look at the thing that the school gave me to get an idea of what's going on for leaving and what I need to do.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
February 15, 2006
I'm trying to get some writing done and it's not happening. I feel sick to my stomach. Probably comes from having chips and dip and wine as food all day and from crying most of today. I feel the panic rising. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 5 weeks with my mental stability intact. Panicky. I hate that feeling.
It's nice that it's warmed up more lately. The last two days have been down right warm for most of the time. Even at night, I don't need my full jacket anymore. I went for a walk tonight after 8 and all I was wearing was a tank top and my zip up hoodie. Kinda cool that I can do that. Makes me happy to think of not being here come August. It really is horrid here in the summer. I'm sure it will get cold again, but it's nice to have the break.
I talked with Marcus about it for like an hour this afternoon. I just needed someone to listen to me so that I could try and get some of this out and figure out what is going on inside my head. Thanks Marcus, you're a good friend.
It's nice that it's warmed up more lately. The last two days have been down right warm for most of the time. Even at night, I don't need my full jacket anymore. I went for a walk tonight after 8 and all I was wearing was a tank top and my zip up hoodie. Kinda cool that I can do that. Makes me happy to think of not being here come August. It really is horrid here in the summer. I'm sure it will get cold again, but it's nice to have the break.
I talked with Marcus about it for like an hour this afternoon. I just needed someone to listen to me so that I could try and get some of this out and figure out what is going on inside my head. Thanks Marcus, you're a good friend.
Monday, February 13, 2006
February 13, 2006
I didn't do much today. I cooked a bit, not for myself, for a friend. Then I went to Taeko's for dinner. She came by a little early to pick me up. It was just me, Taeko, Akiko and her husband. It was really traditional. She had her display for Dolls day up. It's a girls festival and they have a big display of dolls and stuff. It was quite elaborate. There's like a few levels, first has some animals, some furniture, some people, some court people, some musicians, and then the prince and the princess. The food was really amazing. Very fresh, low cholesterol, delicious food. We watched the Olympic women's snowboarding and cheered on both Japan and Canada.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
February 12, 2006
I went out tonight with some fellow teachers for kaiten sushi. It was in honour of LeeAnne's birthday that was several weeks ago. We were pretty famous in the restaurant. The crazy foreigners trying to eat sushi. The staff was nice and helpful, but it's still weird to be an "experience" for them. Like something that they'll go home and tell their family about. "How was work dear? You smell like fish as always" "Oh it was work. The usual. Takahiro cut off his hand instead of the fish's head. Oh, and there was a group of crazy foreigners that came in. I said two words in English to them. They looked like they were having a good time." "Oh wow! You saw foreigners. That's nice. Now get me my beer woman." Yeah. I'll look forward to being unremarkable. Then we went back to their place and watched some Japanese tv and learned some origami and played Pit and watched some Olympics on tv. It was a nice night.
Thursday, February 9, 2006
February 9, 2006
Interesting talk with a fellow teacher today. We were discussing it on the train platform and on the way home.
Most people don't help when someone falls or is passed out. I was thinking about this the other day when I was hanging in the park in the dark. What if someone konked me over the head? I would be out there on the ground and no one would do anything about it. It is not uncommon to see a person, although usually a man, sleeping in a corner somewhere. Well dressed people, passed out drunk in public. So if I were there, in the park, konked by someone, no one would do anything to see if I was okay. It would be like, "Hey, look at the crazy, drunk, passed out, gaijin chick. Those darn foreigners are so irresponsible" and I'd be dying from brain hemmoraging. They would pretend like they don't see. If someone falls on the train, or the street, most people just keep their heads down. It's important to pretend like you don't see the people around you, so no matter what the circumstances, you need to "not notice". That's my take.
Most people don't help when someone falls or is passed out. I was thinking about this the other day when I was hanging in the park in the dark. What if someone konked me over the head? I would be out there on the ground and no one would do anything about it. It is not uncommon to see a person, although usually a man, sleeping in a corner somewhere. Well dressed people, passed out drunk in public. So if I were there, in the park, konked by someone, no one would do anything to see if I was okay. It would be like, "Hey, look at the crazy, drunk, passed out, gaijin chick. Those darn foreigners are so irresponsible" and I'd be dying from brain hemmoraging. They would pretend like they don't see. If someone falls on the train, or the street, most people just keep their heads down. It's important to pretend like you don't see the people around you, so no matter what the circumstances, you need to "not notice". That's my take.
Monday, February 6, 2006
February 6, 2006
I haven't been learning anything from my Japanese lesson anymore. Mum had a really good idea today when I talked to them this afternoon. Instead of having the regular lesson we should just get together and do some cultural thing, like go to a museum or something.
I headed home and was going to do some grocery shopping, but when I got to the vegetable shop there were these crazy old ladies and they kept pushing me around and getting in my face so I ditched it. Everything just made me angry. I feel like I've been getting more and more angry as everyday passes. I'm definitely swearing more. Not very out loud. Usually just under my breath or in my own brain. I feel like I'm living on edge. Anything can set me off. Everything sets me off.
I headed home and was going to do some grocery shopping, but when I got to the vegetable shop there were these crazy old ladies and they kept pushing me around and getting in my face so I ditched it. Everything just made me angry. I feel like I've been getting more and more angry as everyday passes. I'm definitely swearing more. Not very out loud. Usually just under my breath or in my own brain. I feel like I'm living on edge. Anything can set me off. Everything sets me off.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
February 5, 2006
Didn't leave my house today. I'm getting fatter and weaker everyday. I don't think that's actually true, it just feels like it. Well, the weaker is probably true. I want to be out of here now, but I don't want to leave. I really just want to not work. Especially after finding out about the disappointment that I am to some and how I'm inappropriate.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
February 1, 2006
Today was actually not mind numbing today. The last two days I've been getting lots of planning done during my time at the school. It must be Mum praying for me cause she said she would be after I told her that I felt like I couldn't keep my head above water. I just hope that I'm able to keep taking the opportunities that I have in front of me and keep ahead. I can see that I'll just stop caring and stop being ahead after my break in a weeks time. I have a week and a half till I get 5 days off. How my days play out have got me questioning how I work. I used to thrive on the fast paced stressful environment, but now it just fries me and I can't handle it. It's like I'm getting lazier in my old age and it seems like I don't want to work. But I do like to work. I like doing things and organizing, but I think the change is that I want to work on my own time. I'm not afraid of putting in tonnes of hours of work, but I need to be in the mind frame for it, otherwise I self-destruct. I felt today like I could have kept going, kept planning. Other days, I feel like I can teach one class and then I'm done. I wonder if it's all a matter of lack of discipline in myself.
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