April 17, 2006

I woke up this morning, late, rushed and out of sorts. Staying up too late last night didn't help. We drove up to Egmont, unloaded the van onto the new green boat, the Laker. We had to wait for some other folks. Everyone was chatting away in the boat on the way up and I just looked out the window, taking in all the formerly familiar sights. It's wild how I used to lie in bed at night, in the heat of Japan and think of the inlet. The water, the trees, the giant air. The air feels bigger here. Maybe it's because there's so much room to breath. The air seems tangibly exist all the way up into the mountains and comes down right to the ocean. Like we're breathing in the exhaled air of the mountains. Instead of taking in all that surrounds me I seem to still just be seeing it, not experiencing it. Like I'm watching it on tv or something. And my mind is taken in to the swirl in my brain of memories and sights all over again.

Approaching the rapids, there she stood in front of me, like hundreds of times before, all just as sweet as the first...the Malibu Club. The name has struck fear and excitement into my heart for years. She has meant so many things to me, but the under-current of my life when here, like the pull of the ever-changing yet ever-constant rapids, as been the pull of a yearning who's resolution has always felt just out of my grasp. What is it about this place that makes you question who you are and how it came to be that your existence has been made significant. We passed through to the pool side and there we got a great first look at the newest improvement to the face of this place. The Dining Room and new Kitchen.

We landed at the dock and unloaded stuff. I was so happy to see Sharon. I feel like I get, and am gotten by, Sharon. I grabbed my bags and started up the stairs to the side of Big Squawka. I passed by the back door. Tim used to be in there, doing his sound thing. I felt like I was walking through a dream.

The Return
Walking the rocks, I see friendly faces in the empty rooms.
I hear the running feet on the silent board walks.
I feel the hurry and pressure of the demands of the day in slow walk of nothing to do.
I used to exist in this place.
Now I walk through it with the slow tread of an outsider, taking it all in for the first time.

As I walked through the new kitchen renovation, I was kinda awe-struck. It's a lot to take in and process. I walked through the rooms, yes there are roomS now, I had to take it all in slowly, looking at everything, trying to find some sort of point of reference to bring me back to the place that I know. Oh, there's the mixer, and the tilting skillet. I'm sure I looked odd, gaping like a fish with my eyes wide open. I moved into the Dining Room and found some familiar faces. I saw Dorothy first, don't think she remembered me though, then Kyle sweeping in the corner. Then I saw Ian over against the far wall. Wall, haha, Wall. Never mind. I gave him a big hug and I have to say that I felt so proud of him and the whole construction crew at that moment. I whispered to him, "Good job, Ian. It looks great."

I headed down into the new Inn. It's been done for quite some time, but I haven't been here for just under 2 years so a lot has changed. I found Sharon in the "kitchen" so I decided to stay awhile and help prep lunch. I'm not much help though. After lunch I was sweeping up and she asked me to come outside with her for a smoke. I'm never one to pass up a smoke, although I never actually suck on a cigarette, it's just all about chilling out with someone, chatting outside. It was nice to talk with her. She told me that I was made to love. She's known it from the first time she knew me. I'm meant to be a woman in love, that I've tried so hard to be hard, to have it all together, but that it's not what I'm meant to be. We talked about me loving big. I feel like it's supposed to be a patient love that isn't going anywhere. It's not going anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere.

The afternoon was spent with Christy in the office. We hauled that place out. It was an awesome time to get to know her and how she thinks. We're incredibly alike in a lot of ways. Our personalities are different but the way that we process things and go about things is very similar. I'm so excited to hear how her summer goes and how she's able to grow in the areas that she will. I'm really happy to see her in there. I feel like someone has come along behind me and cares about this place and wants to see it run well and efficiently, just as I wanted to. The way we may do it might be different, but I see that she has taken on the responsibility of this place and that makes me feel at ease. After dinner, I went and chucked the crap from the office out on the giant burning pile of crap from camp. After cleaning up a few more things, I went back and stood there. Often when I watch fire, I like to watch the flames, watch them dance and spark. This time I was drawn to the wood, and other crap, and watched it be consumed. It's not like I was watching anything in specific, but watching the slow process of the pile (or the giant piece of flooring sample) just get smaller. It's an exercise in patience. And warmth.

Now I sit in the darkness of Tili lounge, in front of the fireplace, my back cold against the empty room behind me. It's odd being here. It's odd being anywhere.