January 1, 2006

I was supposed to go to church with LeeAnne but she called early this morning, sounding absolutely horrible, to cancel cause she got sick last night. Too bad she's not feeling well. I barely moved from my "couch". And by "couch" I mean my futon folded in half and propped up against the wall to give me a chair back. I watched several hours of streaming Mythbusters. Good times. Watch it on Discovery Channel. I've read a bit of The Pirates! In An Adventure With Whaling (also sold as 'The Pirates! In An Adventure With Ahab' I don't know why there's two names). It's a fabulous series of books, or rather two books at present but I hope he keeps writing, about a Pirate Captain and his crew going off on adventures. It's right up my alley. I've decided to give an excerpt. You must all go out now and buy the book, or any other book by Gideon Defoe (except maybe 'How Animals Have Sex', that might be too much for the faint at heart!).

From 'The Pirates! In An Adventure With Whaling' by Gideon Defoe:
Chapter Five – Satan's Fish Ate Us Alive!

'Well, lads, you'll be happy to know I have a new plan,' said the Pirate Captain, striking his most businesslike pose. The pirate crew, who were all sprawled on one of the Lovely Emma's tennis courts awaiting their Captain's idea, gazed up at him expectantly.

'We're going,' said the Pirate Captain, a glint in his eye, 'to Las Vegas!'

The pirates all looked at each other in surprise. It wasn't exactly the announcement they had been anticipating.

'Las Vegas?'

'That's right. Las Vegas. The city of dreaming spires.'

'But you're always saying how gambling is terrible, Pirate Captain. You said it was even worse than calling people names.'

'But then we had that adventure where you wagered the whole boat and crew that nobody could beat you at thumb-wrestling.'

'Which is it, Pirate Captain?' said the albino pirate. 'Is gambling terrible or good?'

'We are not,' said the Pirate Captain, 'going to Vegas to gamble.'

'Oh. Why are we going? Is it the whoring?'

'No, it's not that either. Come on, you lubbers – what else is Las Vegas famous for?'

The pirate crew gave a collective shrug.

'Showbusiness! You know how good I am at telling anecdotes. And we're always having adventures. It's just the sort of place an entertaining act such as ourselves could be a hit.'

The pirates wriggled uncomfortably from foot to foot. A couple of them tapped their heads meaningfully.

'Come on!' bellowed the Pirate Captain. 'It was bound to come down to this sooner or later. Why are you all looking so put out?'

'It's just...I don't think we realized you had ambitions in that particular direction,' said the pirate with a scarf.

'It's not just one of my fads, if that's what you mean.'

'Are you sure about this, Captain?' said the pirate in red.

'I do have a sensitive side, you know,' said the Pirate Captain with a pout. 'I realize you lot tend to think I'm just about the hair and the grisly murder, but that's simply not the case. You might be surprised to hear that sometimes I enjoy taking a little time out to read Shakespeare, and make daisy chains, and artistic stuff like that. I've always felt a certain calling for the stage. In many ways I think that's why I got into piracy in the first place, because it's quite dramatic.'

'Sorry, Captain,' said the pirate in green. 'I hope you haven't felt too misunderstood all these year.'

'Aaarrr, that's okay. It's a lonely job, being a Pirate Captain. I knew that when I signed on.'

And here ends our dramatic reading for the day.