I had a day off today. So after sleeping in and having a breakfast of champions of the food left in my fridge, essentially the rest of the eggs and soy milk, I headed off into the world in my tenneys in search of ADVENTURE. There should be heroic adventure music playing in the back ground here and maybe an echo effect on the word 'adventure', and a picture of me standing on my front porch with my hands on my hips, feet apart, a far off gaze, chin up and the wind blowing through my hair.
In today's episode, Our Conqueror of all that is Japanese sets off with camera in hand to track down the evil gingivitis, or acupuncturist, which ever you prefer. She is greeted at the station with the predicament of not having any cash left on her and so she stops in at the bank to embark upon the challenge of deciphering the Japanese ATM. Many other such champions have fallen victim to this clever foe and its ways of making unsuspecting champions withdraw hundreds of dollars from their account without meaning to. But Our Conqueror of today is not to be resigned to fear. No! She will vanquish the evils of the ATM and all its mysterious language. The ATM can smell fear and so she approaches the machine with confidence as if using the ATM is the most common thing in the world. The first screen appears, it looks like it's asking for amount. An amount is put in..oh, no! What's this, another screen that looks like it's asking for an amount. The ATM has a hand up on Our Conqueror. What was that first screen? Our Conqueror thinks fast, the big red button should be a cancel. It IS! The first screen was for the PIN, Our Conqueror thinks to herself. Of course. Our Conqueror retrieves her card (which has Tin Tin on it) and returns it to the slot. The PIN is entered. The second screen appears. Where does the decimal go? And which button is for one thousand and which is for ten thousand? Flashback into a recall sequence where everything is a little hazy as Our Conqueror tries to recall what her mentors taught her in the cave of the ADVENTURERS (super hero music). We are brought back to the present string of our plot. She makes a choice and immediately she realizes that No! The ATM is winning, it was the wrong amount. But Our Conqueror is still in the fight. It wasn't an obscene amount, instead it was less than what she was hoping to retrieve. With a quick look over her shoulder to be sure that the ATM minions are still unaware of her foreign presence, she inserts Tin Tin one last time. This time, all has been deciphered through the two previous battles. Cash is received triumphantly and the slip of paper is graciously accepted at the ATM's notification of defeat. Yes! Our Conqueror has once again been victorious. Victorious! As she raises her fists in a sign of triumph! Mwa ha ha ha! Our Conqueror proceeds forth from the ATM layer unscathed.
Little Miss Money Bags (herein referred to as LMMBFKAOC 'Little Miss Money Bags, Formerly Known As Our Champion'), with a pocket full of resources, goes off triumphantly in search of suitable transportation. LMMBFKAOC finds a trap door to an underground layer of the dragons. She proceeds cautiously as she has come across these sorts of dragons before. They too wish to foil our heroine by enticing her with a ride on their back, but then they fly off in the opposite direction that LMMBFKAOC wanted to go in and thereby removing her physically from the possibility of victory in her quest. But she is weary of the dragons and she is determined not to be thwarted by their ploys. LMMBFKAOC manages to find a dragon in a good mood that she has traveled with before and convinces the dragon to give LMMBFKAOC a ride. LMMBFKAOC whisks through the country side and even underground where the dragon does not wish to be seen. Past houses and rivers and shops and banners. The dragon flies so quickly sometimes that it is difficult for LMMBFKAOC to see what they are passing. The dragon stops, this is as far as he will take LMMBFKAOC, she must be brave and continue on to unknown paths without him. She emerges from the underground and goes in search of another dragon or creature who would be willing to have the honour of providing LMMBFKAOC with transportation. She is unsure. Then out of the corner of her eye, LMMBFKAOC spots a fellow Conqueror, one who is wise in the ways of this inhospitable territory. She will confer with him and ask for his merciful counsel. He is one of the benevolent mentors of the ADVENTURERS (the usual adventurous music and possibly echo effect) and he shows LMMBFKAOC the path of least resistance, although he does admit that even with all his wisdom, he is unsure of the exact path she must take. He gives her the encouragement that she needs to face this task the rest of her way on her own and at that he disappears into thin air, leaving LMMBFKAOC at the top of a stair case.
Our Conqueror finds her way down in among the people, the fast moving fiends that often try to steer Our Conqueror off her adventurous course, the shops and the banners that she had been admiring while on the back of the dragon. Our Conqueror takes in her new surroundings. There are tiny shops lining the byways that Our Conqueror must make her say through. Flashback again to a moment with the All-knowing Sage who takes all ADVENTURERS (no music this time as in the presence of the All-Knowing Sage, all adventurers are humbled and do not deserve any music that may indicate their greatness) under her vast wings, the All-Knowing Sage had given Our Conqueror the key to understanding the coded script that she was to be looking for and a map of the location of the little shop where she would find a man whose hands had untold curative properties. But in her haste Our Conqueror had miss placed the enchanted scroll and was now unsure of the little shop that she was to look for. We rejoin Our Conqueror on the side of a major thoroughfare. She is trying to use her impressive visual recall powers. How much of the scroll will Our Conqueror recall in her visualizations? Yes! This is the thoroughfare where the shop is located. Now Our Conqueror must figure out which of the shops, all with the coded script prominent on their signs beckoning customers in. Once Our Conqueror can find the shop, she will be in friendly company of those who choose to be gracious to The ADVENTURERS (no longer in the presence of the All-Knowing Sage and therefore the echo effect and heroic music resumes, although not as loud as it once was just by the mention of the name of the All-Knowing Sage) and do not speak with the code. Our Conqueror wanders up and down the thoroughfare. Our Conqueror decides to take a closer look at one of the buildings she has passed a few times now. Of all the buildings she has seen, this one seems to fit the description the best. She takes note of a sign on the door (pan in on the sign). It seems that the occupants will not return until later that day. This is fine with Our Conqueror as she has heard legends of another shop with items that can be exchanged for tender. Our Conqueror heads back down another byway and easily finds the larger shop. The shop is full of wonderful curiosities. There are instruments that play beautiful sounds, and some not so beautiful. There is a large selection of items crafted from the resources of the mighty trees. Our Conqueror walks through the shop, taking in all the wonderful collections and oddities. As she heads back up the alleyway to return to the Healer's shop, she stops and realizes that she has forgotten her ADVENTURER'S documentation. She is unable to do anything in this foreign land without her ADVENTURER'S authorization pass. Of all the trials she has overcome, including deciphering the coded script, Our Conqueror is defeated by herself. Oh, the scorn with which Our Conqueror now views herself. Oh, the inhumanity! Our Conqueror shakes her fists violently at the sky in utter defeat. Our Conqueror decides to make herself feel better by going shopping on her way back to her own burrow. Our Conqueror finds fabulous little finds of sugary treats from her home land, and even the ground nut paste that she is so very fond of.
What will happen to our terribly HOT heroine in the next episode?
Tune in again next time, same conquering time, same conquering channel.
Oh, and she also found tins of Spam on sale for just under 800 yen. And a can of Hormel chili in another store for just over 650 yen.
