The End and The Beginning, and The Middle

It is time to close off this account of my experiences in Japan and the following re-entry back into what was my world, and is my world, and will be my world. My re-entry process has not been completed, nor will it ever be complete as my time in Japan has completely altered my view of the world around me and so I take it with me every day.

This is the end of this account and sharing of this particular portion of my world in this time.

Thanks for reading

April 28, 2006

I got out of camp today. I got out on the Skookum with this cool kid, Brian, at 8:30. It was a good ride. Long, but good. We talked a tonne and I have had a few epiphanies as a result of our conversations through the boat ride, the car ride, the ferry ride. Nothing that I'm going to share here though.

I'm on the ferry over to Nanaimo and I'm looking out over the ocean towards the island and it looks like there's this green haze, a green fog that is sitting on top of the ocean just before the island and then the mountains from the island rise up above it. It's really weird. It reminds me of the Simpson's episode with the toxic fog that turns their skin inside out. Wow, I can see Baker too to the South. The islands closest to the ferry are moving at a different rate than the skyline of downtown Vancouver, and it's at a different rate than Baker. It feels like one of those puppet show backgrounds where pictures of one depth of field are moving independent of those in front or behind it. Man, it's stunning. How can anyone not live here. It's rising up from behind the city of Vancouver with all it's high rises which is peeking out from behind a small rock island with a few "hut" houses on it. Now this is the place to be. This is where your heart arises to say, "Anything that could make something so beautiful and wild has got to be a good entity". The water is perfectly calm clear across the Straight. It looks kinda eerie. Like a poster from the movie "Dead Calm" or something.

It's been a good day. When I get in, we're all supposed to go for dinner. The fam time dinner, I guess.

April 22, 2006

So the rain finally stopped last night. It had been teeming for two days non-stop. This morning it was sunny and beautiful. The air still has a chill to it when you're in the shade but the sun warms you to the bones, without being hot. I don't like hot.

I've been working in the Trader the last two days. I haven't just been inside all day. I did venture out for a bit. I wanted to take some pictures but everywhere I went was so stunningly beautiful that I felt like the camera just wasn't capturing it. I was walking out through the golf course that, as usual, is lush and green and the sun was pouring in through the trees. The shadows were amazing but I just can't capture any of it so I put my camera away and wandered through taking it all in. Made me feel a little more grounded to this place. It will be good to be here for just two weeks. Time to move on to life in Victoria, but it's been a good transition back to North America. Keeps me grounded in what's going on in civilization. Keeps me from getting too caught up in the things that just don't matter.

April 25, 2006

I've had a really good week. I've been happy for the most part, calm and relaxed, interactive with my surroundings. It really has been a healthy time for me this past week. But I feel the pressure building again. It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Couldn't last night either. I'm tired. I'm really tired, but every time I try to sleep I end up all up in my own brain and things get out of hand and I end up getting up cause I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I had stopped this week actually. It was nice to just go to bed at a normal time and go to sleep almost right away. I don't have that anymore. I was sitting out on the deck, listening to the generator hum away (we lost Hydro power today in the middle of the day, sounds like it's really, really serious), looking at the stars. It seems like I've come full circle. I was here, feels like a lifetime ago and yet not so long ago at the same time, doing the same thing as I am now. Not able to sleep thinking about how I'm supposed to figure out what life looks like without...

I've seen what a normal life looks like and it's people just trying to fill up their time and occupy their minds with whatever they can find to fill in the empty gaps. It's sad. It's exhausting. I have a new appreciation for people who can live like that (and the majority of the human race does) and not go insane. But then, maybe that's the thing, maybe we are all insane but no one can tell about the people around them cause they're too caught up in their own insanity.

So many years here and they all seem to blend into each other. Time on this rock is rather intangible. I feel like I've never left, like I've never existed off this rock. Soon it will be like I never existed on it. And I think there's more truth in that, we don’t' really exist in this place, we're caught in a time between earth and heaven where the spiritual work that needs to be done in everyone that steps foot here is carried out around us. Sometimes we get a glimpse of it. Sometimes we get to be a part of it. But for the most part it swirls around us, catching us up in it at times without us knowing it, and is brought to completion in some other place. The spiritual world knows no time or place. This place is so saturated in it that it takes on some of those very properties of intangibility.

April 24, 2006

After lunch clean up I went and sat out on Flag Point for like most of the rest of the afternoon. I love that I'm able to do that. I did a logic puzzle and lay in the sun in a tank top on the grass. It's so lush and beautiful here. I get captured in little moments of being aware of the things around me. I want to be able to share those moments. It's been so incredible the past few days. The sun is out and the skies are perfectly clear. I'm actually able to enjoy being around here and because it's beautiful out and because I have no real responsibilities I'm not stressing about anything and I'm able to take in this place and the trees and the shadows and the sun and the ocean. There's a tonne of mergansers around this year and they're hilarious to watch. Christy and I were just talking in Tilikum and she was like, "Is that Stormy over there, or is that the bear?" It was the bear, just lumbering around on the rocks by the mill on the other side of the rapids.

How amazing is it that I can come to this place and enjoy being here. It's amazing. Still wish that I could share it though. I've been able to release so much that I want others I care about to be able to release and feel comfortable again.

I am still amazed at how open people are to sharing so much of themselves with so many of the people around them. I've gotten really comfortable with the way things are up here right now. Like we're all a part of this nice little family, living on this random rock, working for these unseen entities who will appear sometime in the future, but who I will never actually get to see. Maybe that's part of why I feel so released from here, I'm not working with the coming summer looming over me. I'm able to see camp for what it is in this moment, at this time in the shoulder season and have nothing vested in anything beyond that.

April 20, 2006

I actually hadn't really noticed that it's been raining for a while until people started mentioning, "When's this rain going to let up?" It's chilly, but I'm so much more comfortable here than I was in Japan. I think I'm even more comfortable here than I am in Victoria. Maybe it's the release from having to look good and not like a dirty hippy, although, if you can get away with being a dirty hippy anywhere, you can get away with it in Victoria. I'm really enjoying the people up here. Last night I had a fabulous talk with a friend about life and crap and his time in jail and stuff. He's so very open to sharing so much of himself. I also really like getting to know the two girls up here. I love that I'm able to connect with them. I missed out on so many of the girls when I lived here before cause I was so concerned about getting all my own stuff done.

April 17, 2006

I woke up this morning, late, rushed and out of sorts. Staying up too late last night didn't help. We drove up to Egmont, unloaded the van onto the new green boat, the Laker. We had to wait for some other folks. Everyone was chatting away in the boat on the way up and I just looked out the window, taking in all the formerly familiar sights. It's wild how I used to lie in bed at night, in the heat of Japan and think of the inlet. The water, the trees, the giant air. The air feels bigger here. Maybe it's because there's so much room to breath. The air seems tangibly exist all the way up into the mountains and comes down right to the ocean. Like we're breathing in the exhaled air of the mountains. Instead of taking in all that surrounds me I seem to still just be seeing it, not experiencing it. Like I'm watching it on tv or something. And my mind is taken in to the swirl in my brain of memories and sights all over again.

Approaching the rapids, there she stood in front of me, like hundreds of times before, all just as sweet as the first...the Malibu Club. The name has struck fear and excitement into my heart for years. She has meant so many things to me, but the under-current of my life when here, like the pull of the ever-changing yet ever-constant rapids, as been the pull of a yearning who's resolution has always felt just out of my grasp. What is it about this place that makes you question who you are and how it came to be that your existence has been made significant. We passed through to the pool side and there we got a great first look at the newest improvement to the face of this place. The Dining Room and new Kitchen.

We landed at the dock and unloaded stuff. I was so happy to see Sharon. I feel like I get, and am gotten by, Sharon. I grabbed my bags and started up the stairs to the side of Big Squawka. I passed by the back door. Tim used to be in there, doing his sound thing. I felt like I was walking through a dream.

The Return
Walking the rocks, I see friendly faces in the empty rooms.
I hear the running feet on the silent board walks.
I feel the hurry and pressure of the demands of the day in slow walk of nothing to do.
I used to exist in this place.
Now I walk through it with the slow tread of an outsider, taking it all in for the first time.

As I walked through the new kitchen renovation, I was kinda awe-struck. It's a lot to take in and process. I walked through the rooms, yes there are roomS now, I had to take it all in slowly, looking at everything, trying to find some sort of point of reference to bring me back to the place that I know. Oh, there's the mixer, and the tilting skillet. I'm sure I looked odd, gaping like a fish with my eyes wide open. I moved into the Dining Room and found some familiar faces. I saw Dorothy first, don't think she remembered me though, then Kyle sweeping in the corner. Then I saw Ian over against the far wall. Wall, haha, Wall. Never mind. I gave him a big hug and I have to say that I felt so proud of him and the whole construction crew at that moment. I whispered to him, "Good job, Ian. It looks great."

I headed down into the new Inn. It's been done for quite some time, but I haven't been here for just under 2 years so a lot has changed. I found Sharon in the "kitchen" so I decided to stay awhile and help prep lunch. I'm not much help though. After lunch I was sweeping up and she asked me to come outside with her for a smoke. I'm never one to pass up a smoke, although I never actually suck on a cigarette, it's just all about chilling out with someone, chatting outside. It was nice to talk with her. She told me that I was made to love. She's known it from the first time she knew me. I'm meant to be a woman in love, that I've tried so hard to be hard, to have it all together, but that it's not what I'm meant to be. We talked about me loving big. I feel like it's supposed to be a patient love that isn't going anywhere. It's not going anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere.

The afternoon was spent with Christy in the office. We hauled that place out. It was an awesome time to get to know her and how she thinks. We're incredibly alike in a lot of ways. Our personalities are different but the way that we process things and go about things is very similar. I'm so excited to hear how her summer goes and how she's able to grow in the areas that she will. I'm really happy to see her in there. I feel like someone has come along behind me and cares about this place and wants to see it run well and efficiently, just as I wanted to. The way we may do it might be different, but I see that she has taken on the responsibility of this place and that makes me feel at ease. After dinner, I went and chucked the crap from the office out on the giant burning pile of crap from camp. After cleaning up a few more things, I went back and stood there. Often when I watch fire, I like to watch the flames, watch them dance and spark. This time I was drawn to the wood, and other crap, and watched it be consumed. It's not like I was watching anything in specific, but watching the slow process of the pile (or the giant piece of flooring sample) just get smaller. It's an exercise in patience. And warmth.

Now I sit in the darkness of Tili lounge, in front of the fireplace, my back cold against the empty room behind me. It's odd being here. It's odd being anywhere.

April 16, 2006

I almost missed the bus this morning. I didn't, but I almost did. I caught the city bus into town and walked around till I found the Best Western that I was to catch the Quick Shuttle to the airport. It was a beautiful day. Too bad it wasn't this nice yesterday when I was trying to take pictures. I hope I got some good ones of the Space Needle, with my Easter Egg for breakfast. The ride up was not fun. I was unable to get out of my own brain. Everything that I saw seemed so real but intangible. Yes I realize that's a contradiction. Lots goes on in my brain that's a contradiction. I was really into watching things out the window and listening to really soulful music. In my brain was a future time. I wrote lots. Cried more.

I met with Terri and Harold at the airport. I wanted to be held and my whole day came crashing around me. We picked up the office Intern, Christy, and went to Earl's for some giant salads for lunch. I used to not be a fan of Earl's. The salads have brought me around. We're staying the night at a friend's place in Garden Bay. It's a really beautiful place. Huge. We had some curried goodness for dinner, went for a walk and then watched some tv. I went back to the main house and stayed up all night watching stupid tv. Stupid things, like Mike Holmes, set me off. He has nice big shoulders too. Stupid shoulders.

April 15, 2006

I spent the morning getting info on making Ukranian eggs for Easter tonight. I took the bus out to the U District to get the Kiska's and such for egg making festivities. Then I bused into town and went walking around Pike's. Everything about my day has been beautiful. The weather is amazing, and by amazing I mean stormy and gray. The ocean is black and alive. Walking around Pike's always makes me happy, but as with everything right now, all happiness is a sad kind of happy. I smile at something beautiful and cry. It's like I feel like I can't actually enjoy what I'm experiencing. Like it would be disloyal to the unbeautiful things in the world. I took some shots, hope they work, and I walked in the rain and I saw four giant black guys singing gospel in front of Starbucks and some chicks on fiddles playing some cool celtic stuff. And then I went into a back alley and cried. I ended up in a funk for the rest of the day, walking through the rain, getting soaked, laughing at the wind and torrents and then crying because it was all so beautiful.

I got back home and we made up some dinner quick. I shared some of my photos and stories with one of the roommates and then we all made eggs. I stayed up till like 3:30 trying to clean everything up and get packed.

April 14, 2006

Today we slept in. When we got up I made some breakfast while she was in the shower and then we ate and talked lots, or rather, I talked lots. She went off to work for noon and I bummed around and showered and cleaned the kitchen till a friend from Japan came and got me at like 2:30. It was odd seeing him outside of Japan. We went for lunch at this ale house on 74th that was uber cool. We talked about stuff and had a great walk there and back. After lunch we bummed around the neighbourhood and his old stomping grounds. Then we hit Home Depot to buy some plants and seeds for my wonderful host. He dropped me off to meet her at the coffee shop and we cleaned up so that we could go to church with her co-worker who happens to be a leader with the friends I was with last night. Small YL world that it is. Church kinda got to me. The first piece of music was a chamber type piece, all vocal. The harmonies were unbelievable. Makes me want to get into a chamber choir when I get back to Victoria. It was all just really beautiful and it all just made me sad. After church, we headed off in search for some grub. We went into Fremont for some fab Thai food at KwonJai's. We were talking about differences in cultures. I feel like I'm not able to accurately describe things or talk about how people think differently. I see the confusion that many people have when I describe things in a Japanese frame of mind. I definitely felt like I wasn't being understood, mostly because I just can't get my thoughts across. Then we went for a pint and stayed and talked but it was loud, so we headed home.

April 13, 2006

After work, I got on the Clipper and came to Seattle. I got picked up by some friends and we went back to their place to chat. They showed me the house that they're building. We talked about Japan and all things Old School YL. I was finally able to get a hold of Anna-Lisa and we went back to her place to briefly connect and go to bed.

April 8, 2006

Woke up this morning with Nen & Ry in the house. It was fun to all sit down to breakfast that Dad was making and bicker and laugh and eat sausages with maple syrup on them. The day was really beautiful. It was overcast but the air was clear. A young eagle came and landed right in the tree between the house and the dock. He was almost full size, but his feathers were still coming in so he wasn't a crisp black and white but more mottled. His head had puffs of brown between the white feathers. We were worried about the cat who was out on the lawn and Mum said that she didn't really want to have proof to give to Aunt Shirley that an eagle could fly off with a cat, so I went down to stand guard and watch him. He moved to another tree and sat there before flying off to dive at some of the smaller birds sitting on the lake. As I was walking back up the stairs, I was struck by how clear things seem here: laughing with my family, watching an eagle get his feathers, the fresh crisp air that speaks of either impending or passing rain, eating sausages with maple syrup (I think I mentioned that already but it bears repeating), and being in a beautiful house that my Dad has pretty much totally remade with his own hands.

After rummaging around in the basement with my Mum for some lost antique table legs of Nen & Ryan's, us kids headed into town. I caught I ride with them to the mall where we parted ways and I took the bus into Heidi's and they drove out to the Peninsula for a family birthdays dinner with the Nen's family. I met up with Heids at her place and we sat in the kitchen talking for several hours. I made tapioca for desert and she was making homemade (not store bought and then cooked) ravioli. Brooklyn came a little later and we got the wine open, finished cooking and then sat in the front window watching the rain and the people passing by on the street as we eat our fab, giant meal of ravioli and salad. We talked the whole evening. It's so cool to have people around who agree so much with your own life philosophy. We talked about the ridiculousness of much of organized religion as a programme enriched entity void of much of the grace and variety that encompasses the people of Christ. We all grew up in the church and we've all been pretty sick of seeing how it is a creation of man as opposed to the thing of God that it's supposed to be. We talked a lot about the "us" versus "them" mentality of many religious people and how our own views have changed since leaving high school and the plethora of "youth programmes" that we were involved in. "Ooo, look at that person! He's smoking. He's a SINNER!" It's interesting to see what aspects of life are normalized in which cultures. Brooklyn was telling us about a roommate of hers in YWAM from, I think, Sweden. Sleeping with someone before you're married is nothing to them because it's natural, but smoking! Putting something toxic and foreign in your body! That makes you a sinner in the Christian world. Here, drinking 5 cups of coffee in a day is okay, but having a glass of wine with dinner and it's "I'll pray for your soul, brother". Both are addictive and bad for your body in high quantities. Both are foreign substances to put in your body. In North America, one is socially acceptable, the other isn't. And I don't mean in a general view, but as something that within the tightly woven Christian community is viewed as a moral sin that separates you from God. In my view, both do. In others views, neither do. In still others, one does, the other doesn't. The main premise that we came to is that it shouldn't be a value judgment on a person if they decide to have a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee. What are the things that truly matter and what doesn't, well, that all becomes an arbitrary point of opinion.

It was a nice night. We went to bed at a reasonable time. Actually, it was kind of early, but we were all pretty tired.

April 7, 2006

I bummed around the house today and worked on getting some things organized, like taxes, stupid foreign income drama. Then Nenny & Ry came down and we all had dinner together. Aw, family dinner. It was nice to sit around and sometimes it was all of us in the same room, just sitting, not talking, staring out at the lake or the fire or whatever. Just before many of them headed to bed we got talking about when the Boney's and I were in Europe together and told Mum & Dad about the guy peeing in the "urinal" in the wall in Genoa and me peeing in the port-a-potty in our van as we drove. Then Dad told a story about when he was a teenager working up island and he and this other painter guy were driving there in a big old beat up van. The guy really had to pee and Dad wouldn't stop for him so the guy went into the back of the van to pee in a can. Dad pulled really gently all the way over to the shoulder and then cranked the wheel over so that the guy and the can went flying all over the back of the van. Dad was telling the story and laughing his head off. I don't think that I have ever seen my father laugh so much and so hard.

April 5, 2006

I was tired today. Very tired. Lots of entering names and verifying data and checking for Zip Codes. Good fun. My boss and I sat out on the front step today, and then the driveway, in the sun to eat our lunch. It was great. We talked about this and that and the nature of faith and church and living simply and what that looks like for different people. It was good. It was good to share some of myself with her too because I know that she needs that from me. I hope that I can balance my need for privacy and non-forthcoming communication and her need to interact and know what is going on in my head. It's a good deal. I got home early cause I went in with my neighbour so I was home by 4:45. Mum was finishing some tidying for some folks coming tomorrow to talk about design plans for the first home at Lantzville, somehow I was supposed to know that it was happening, I didn't. So we finished some dishes and then went for a walk. I practically had to drag her out of the house. We had a nice walk along the road, although I have to admit that I feel more nervous walking along Shawnigan Lake Road than I am in the middle of traffic in Tokyo. People around here are INSANE! They all drive way to fast around the corners that are totally blind until you're half way through the corner. We talked about some of the stuff that has been an on-going conversation with us about politics and the place of Christians in government as well as some of the stuff that we had talked about earlier today. It was good.

Tonight, after making some pork fried rice, Mum and I worked on some shelves in the attic. We got rid of some stuff. Put some stuff in new places and moved the linens up to the attic. It was good. She gives me a hard time about me giving her a hard time, but in the end we both compromise and the shelves look really good. I've been trying to give her some good organizational tenets for her to keep in her brain. Keep like things together in one place where you'll use them and where they're easy to find. Ask yourself, do I wear/use/need this? Keep what you need to. Get rid of the things you don't. It will help you to enjoy the things that you have cause if they're all packed away in a box then you aren't enjoying any of them. We did well tonight. I will keep reminding her of these things so that when I move to Victoria she'll be able to look around her more discriminately and ask herself the same questions so that she can clear the crap out of her life that stresses her out and that she always complains about. It's funny, she doesn't want the crap and clutter but it's like pulling teeth to get her to give or throw things away.

I find myself constantly with thoughts at the back of my brain, just hovering there. I enjoy the things around me and it makes me want to enjoy them with someone. Today was a glorious, beautiful day and I really wished that I could have really enjoyed it without something missing. I want the people I love to know they are cared for no matter where in the world I am.

April 4, 2006

I hate it when I've had thoughts and I can't get them out or remember them later. It usually happens as I'm trying to go to sleep and I think of some fabulous thing to write and think that I will remember it in the morning. I hardly ever do. And if I do, it's just the concept or idea and not the fabulous words that I had used to define it the night before.

Last night on the way home I was listening to the CBC. There was this young woman on (man, I sound old saying that "There was this young woman, I remember when I was a young woman") who did a piece on making pies with her mum and what she remembers of the farm in Alberta with her parents and her gran. It was nicely done. Calm and intentionally. It went into her mum's kitchen in the city and it was a recording of her and her mum talking. Near the end she was asking her mum if she missed the farm and the "glory days of harvesting". Her mum didn't miss it cause it was hard work but she liked having the skills from then even though she isn't using it. She felt like she fit in, in the city by making herself fit in wherever she is. She keeps the skills from before as something in her in case she ever wants to do it again. You have to press forward in the place where you are and learn new skills. The reporter saw it as more of a shadow of before.

I like sitting at the lake. I wish I had more time to do this at this time. I was really hoping that this would be a chill kind of time but I've been thrown into everything so quickly. Means that I'll have to make the moments that I have count, but then that's sort of the point of having a down time, that you don't need to put pressure on each moment to actually mean something. It's a mass of time where nothing is really happening but "being". I love the sound of the familiar bird calls. They're different here from in Japan. Even Victoria sounds different from here. Here is calming and quiet. The whole day could pass by, by just being and taking in all that surrounds you. I really should open my curtains more. I was gong to go outside and sit in the sun, but when I stuck my foot out the door the sun disappeared behind the clouds. Isn't that always the way.

March 30, 2006

I've started working for Janice this week. I'm on full time already. It's a little sooner than I was expecting, but I'm glad for the distraction. It would really suck if I had nothing to do and just spent all my days sitting at home, thinking, being bored. I would like to be able to have more time in my day to be active as I miss Drlfan already. She was a good bike. I've gotten really used to things at work already and I think it's going to be good for at least a while. I think that it would be good to stick around for at least a year but I could see myself staying for two or three because I would get comfortable. I don't know if it's what I'm supposed to be doing, but as of late, I'm more of the philosophy that what ever you're doing is what you're supposed to be doing as long as you're doing something. So like even if I were to take a week and sit at my parents' place it would be doing exactly what I should be doing because I would be relaxing and taking it all in. Now, if I didn't plan it and just coasted as opposed to chose to be there, then I wouldn't be doing what I should have been. It's not the actual circumstance, it's the way you go about it. Anyway, I think it will be good with Janice. I just need to figure out what is going to be the best system for her. I need to get into her brain and into the core of the business to figure out what 'the best' is going to be. It does feel weird doing different work. It's easier and yet more difficult at the same time, as teaching. I don't need to interact with people as much, that's fo shizzle. That's a really big one. I think I'm more mentally drained at the end of the day, not emotionally and interpersonally drained. Like, when I was teaching I was interacting so much that I didn't want to do anything with anyone. Now, I may be working more hours but the tasks that I work on are kinda my choice, at least in what order and for how long, and I come home tired but wanting to interact with the world around me as opposed to hide away from the world like I did in Japan.

I broke down today and I bought a mobile! I have entered the 21st century. It's astounding I know. It's official. The iron age has finally ended. Michelle has a cell phone. The world will be catapult into a whole new era now. We can now move into a completely wireless, paperless community, now that I have finally gotten up to speed. I decided that it was just time and it's supposed to be a convenience and I usually railed against it because for so many people it has gone beyond and it isn't anymore. But to fight the mobile phone thing was becoming incredibly inconvenient for me, so I may as well make things easier. I don't know where I'm going to be living all the time. I need something for work and family so people can get a hold of me. And I have a rad phone number that I can keep for all time, or for as long as I'm able to pay for it.

I'm up at 5:50 tomorrow, so I really must hit the hay...at quarter past ten. No longer a night owl, am I.

March 25, 2006

I went shopping with the girls today.  I first went to Aveda and got my hair cut.  It's a bit of an odd length.  I really liked it longer, but it was nasty so we needed to free my head of the nast.  It'll grow.  Then I met Heids and Brooky for lunch at Café Mexico.  We had a nice time talking and eating waaaay too much really good food.  Then we were off to spend my hard earned cashola.  We had a fun time shopping.  I think the best spot for all of us together was Value Village.  It's always a crowd pleaser.  It was funny having all three of us together cause we connect on such a deeper level but we're all from completely different worlds from each other, and yet they really intersect.  I love those girls.  Heidi wasn't feeling well so she headed off after a good several hours of spending money.  Brooklyn and I met up with a friend of hers who was hanging out playing music in Market Square.  We ended up spending quite some time enjoying the sun and chilling out listening to Daniel play the guitar and his friend Mike beat on a little drum.  Then we decided that we needed to watch a hockey game and eat pizza and drink beer.  Brooklyn and I went in search of pizza at the Joint where they have freaky crust and cheese that I can eat, as well as normal things for normal people.  We all met up at Daniel's place and ate and watched tv.  He's a bit of an odd character.  We watched a bit of the game, but I was pretty tired so I headed home.

March 23, 2006

I finally made it to the bank.  And they ripped me off.  Not actually, just in my mind.  The Yen is actually less than a dollar now.  It has done a flip since I arrived in March last year.  Totally lame.  In my mind, but not in reality, I'm down 6 to 7 hundred dollars.  But that doesn't actually exist so I just have to suck it up.  I managed to stay awake longer today in the afternoon.  I was still up at 4:45 am on the dot, yet again this morning.  I stuck it out till 3:30 this afternoon before I crashed on the couch.  Then Heids called and we talked for like an hour so that was a good thing.  Now I can barely keep my eyes open cause I'm so exhausted.  So I'm going to bed.

March 22, 2006

I didn't sleep much last night.  I woke up at 4:45, pretty much right on the nose.  Odd time to be awake, especially seeing that I got to bed last night at like 11-11:30 –ish.  I made breakie for the fam and lit the fire and all that.  I wrote some emails to the folks back "home", in Japan.  I bummed around with Mum for a bit, then fell asleep on the couch.  I was only going to sleep for like an hour, but I ended up sleeping for a heck of a lot longer.   Try like four hours.  We tried to get into the bank at Mill Bay, but it took us both so long to get going after my sleep (and I don't think it can be considered a nap as it was about the same length of time as my regular sleep last night) that we missed the bank closing by like 2 minutes.  Bummer.  We went grocery shopping at Thrifty's.  I could have bought the whole store, but I didn't, I was very restrained.

When we got home, I made some dinner for them and we watched some tv and Transporter 2 as Dad had rented it.  I had a shower around 11 and was in bed by 12:15.  We'll see if I can sleep for more than 5 hours this time.

March 21, 2006

This is quite literally going to be the longest day of my life.  With the 17 hour time difference, March 21st is going to last about 41 hours for me.

March 20, 2006

The inspection went really well.  They were impressed with how clean it is here.  There's still more I could do, but seeing that they're happy, I'm not doing anything else.  I dropped some stuff off at the school then went into Funabashi again.  It's a beautiful day out and I was able to walk to and from the station and watching out the window.  I've been able to notice all the things I see.  The roofs, the people, the neighbourhoods.  I feel really aware of everything around me right now.  Like I've been able to slow down enough over the last few days to see what life actually looks like here and how normal iit is, as opposed to all the differences that I've been clinging to all this year.  I would stay if I had a reason.

I've eaten something bad.  I can't think of what it would be.  I don't feel horrible but my colon evidently hates me right now.  I know I'm not eating well.  My stomach is just too wound up and I don't feel like eating.

March 15, 2006

I'm sorry!!!!  I know I totally suck.  I haven't written for so long.  Life has just been continuing.  I go through good days and bad days.  One day I'm stoked to get home, the next day I'm battling anxiety attacks.  One day I can't wait to see some of my kids and can't imagine life without them, the next I'm praising God that I don't have any of my own.

I'm feeling as under control as possible.  I feel like the things that I can control (like the pacing of cleaning, packing and finishing up the loose ends at work) are coming along nicely according to my plan.  The things I can't control (the continuing progress of existence, for example) don't seem completely overwhelming, just occasionally minorly whelming.

Packing continues.  Cleaning continues.  Hanging with friends and loved ones continues.  It's all fine.  It'll all be good.  I can't wait to eat some mango tofu-lati as I listen to the rain on the lake with my Mum's fat cat on my stomach.  That's all for now until I get back to the East side of the Pacific.  I'll update this site then with all my adventures and thoughts of this past month then.  Check back later.

March 11, 2006

Quick classes today.  Just two hours and forty minutes of teaching time today.  FABULOUS!!!  And all kids.  What a difference my day is when it's just kids.  I had only Yui in the first class and it was fun to have him all to myself and to be able to really interact with him.  I had to tell his dad that next week would be my last week.

Straight from work I met Yoko at Nishi-Funabashi.  She looked stunning.  We headed in and finally, after some difficulty, found the restaurant for Chris and Yasuko's final wedding party.  We were at the disruptive table.  Yoko was pretty quiet.  We were with Cleitus and Sami, friends of Yasuko who are originally from India, the two folks we went to the fireworks with and another Japanese chick who Chris knows who went to U of A.  Everyone at the table spoke English so it was nice for the guys and me.  It was a beautiful restaurant and the two of them came out looking so incredibly fabulous together.  She had this long white lacy dress with a fab slender column silhouette.  It fit her perfectly.  There were speeches and lots of delicious food and convo.  Afterward, we had such a great time that our table went out for "drinks" together.  We couldn't find anything open so we ended up at, of all things, an Indian restaurant.  It was a great time.

March 10, 2006

Today at school I started thinking about not being around my students.  The Kindies have been so precious to my heart.  Rui can go away, but the rest of them have been so sweet.  I found myself today looking into the girls eyes and just sitting with all of them and listening to them interact with each other.  It was like the sweet moments with my baby boys, Matt and Tay years ago.  Just enjoying them being the little people that they are.  I was on the floor with them and I looked at Kana and said "I like you.  I like you guys."  Unfortunately, she can't understand me.  I so want to be able to understand what they say because they often talk away to me and they do so, so enthusiastically like they really want to share something with me.  I just don't know what they are saying.  I'm going to miss them.

March 8, 2006

My first set of my last classes.  It was cool thinking that I'll never go back to that school again.  It hasn't hit me as a reality though.

March 7, 2006

Man, my back hurts.  Today was long.  But for the third week in a row, I had no students for my last class.  It kinda pissed me off cause it meant that I was done teaching at 5:20 but then I, yet again, couldn't leave until 8.  I don't think that the students realize what they do to the teachers when that happens.  I hope to always be aware of how the system works anytime I take any classes from now on.  And I'll always call in absent.  I did manage to lay down and also to get some work done.  I finished planning for my new Playgroup class for this week and finished my CPR's that are due on the 17th.  Yeah, that's 10 days early.  I don't think I have ever turned in anything early in my life.  I was always the one in the class who stayed up all night the day before something was due to get it done.  I remember some papers in University that I had like 3 months to work on them and I seriously took that last three days and did nothing but the paper for those three days before the due date.  I made it home, although I thought I was going to die on the way to the school from the train.  I dropped off some stuff out of my bag and that helped but I seriously had issues walking from the station.  My bike is a bit better on my back, curiously enough(!), but the bumps and curves are bru-tal.  I had some tofu and old rice for dinner, watched some Project Runway, my new obsession, and I called mum for her birthday.  That's it.

March 5, 2006

Last night I went right into Tokyo from work.  I had carried my stuff all the way to school and then to Chris and Yasuko's.  At school I picked up Kenshin right at the beginning of class.  Immediately I felt my back go.  I knew I was done for.  Having to stand on the train for another hour and a half didn't help.  I got to Chris and Yasuko's and we met up with Toshi.  We all headed out for sushi.  It was a beautiful west coast type looking building with cedar siding.  Inside was a small sushi bar that got really, really quiet the moment that we walked in the door.  'Oo, look at the funny looking people.'  Everyone turned and just watched us get settled in.  It was the best sushi I have had in my life.  It was amazing.  I had the most phenomenal maguro (tuna) that just melted in my mouth.  I had some kind of eel (not unagi) that was alsoso soft and amazing that it just sat in my mouth and disappeared.  It was a really nice time of eating and talking.

We went back to Chris and Yasuko's and I crashed on the floor in pain.  So we sat around and I worked on Chris' comp for a bit after they went to bed and then slept.

This morning we got up and had some late breakfast which was really more like lunch time.  Yasuko wasn't feeling well so just Chris and I went in to Shibuya to the Apple store.  We had a nice time and after went out for some Tex-Mex food.  So then I finally got home and crashed and didn’t move.

March 3, 2006

Today it hailed, then snowed, then rained.  I found out that Yuichi is leaving the school at the end of the semester.  He needs to go to juku.  Makes me question whether my schedule on Fridays will exist after I go.  Probably not.  Shunsuke will probably drop.  He has been once in like 2 months.  That will just leave Takuya.  Kinda sad to think about cause as I've been thinking about leaving, in my mind everything continues on as it has been, without me.  But then when I see changes like that coming up with classes and people that I have loved so much, it makes me sad.  Kana today was really bummed out when she came into class and it took her a while to get into the class, but she left bouncing around and smiling and giving me big hugs, so that was really nice to see and yet it kinda broke my heart that I have to leave this sweet girl who has really bonded to me.

I haven't really been thinking much of leaving.  It really hasn't hit me that I leave in two and a half weeks.  It's like I was more aware of leaving like a month ago than I am now.  Now I'm just coasting along, doing my thing, paying attention to my teaching more than anything else and that means that I'm really not noticing that time is escaping from me very quickly.

I'm getting sick.  Big weekend ahead of me and then straight into the next full week of teaching so I must sleep.

March 1, 2006

I'm feeling better this week than I have in a long, long, long time.  I called a friend to invite her to Yakiniku tomorrow for "lunch" and her husband answered.  We chatted quickly and he was like "So how are you doing?" and I told him I was good, and I stopped and was like "Yeah, I'm good, I can say that I'm good"  he said that I sounded good and that there was something in my voice.  It's true.  I have been feeling like myself again.  It only took like a year!  I don't know if it's just feeling the release of tension from work, that it will be ending soon so it takes the pressure off and then I do better than I was before.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just a whole tonne of people all praying for me at the same time for the same thing.  Maybe it's getting rid of furniture in my place here.  Maybe it's feeling a release from other things that I have no control over.  Maybe it's having a lot to look forward to in Victoria and Seattle and Malibu over the next 3 months.  I don't know, but it feels good.  Hallelujah.

February 27, 2006

I didn't get called in to work today.  Yeah.  I bummed around.  Talked to Heidi.  Ate chicken salad and made a trip to Hanamasa to get more wine.  I was out.  It was a good day.

February 26, 2006

Mum and I talked about the story of the virgins meaning that you need to have your own faith and can't be expected to get into heaven by using the light from someone else, you gots to gitchya own.


Talked with someone back home today, very enlightening into other people's minds. I did a bunch of sudokus on line, I'm addicted. Watched some tv. Started some downloads. I unfortunately found out I made a friend sick with my cooking. I'm evidently going to kill him by poisoning him. He said he's going to die either from a heart attack, being shot or poison. I've evidently, according to him, chosen the path of poison. So I ate the food myself, which I did last time as well so I say it's not my food, it's his stomach. That's what I say.

February 24, 2006

I feel like since my Saturday classes last week, my favourite classes have been especially sweet this week. My kindies today were just a whole lot of fun. My little girls are fun and sweet and they love having class with me. We had a great time. I will be sad to see them go. Or rather for me to go.

My crazy week finally feels like it's coming to an end. I'm worried that next week, the beginning will be easy because I did extra stuff this week, but now I'm at the end of the ahead work so that next week I'll be stuck. We'll see. I am feeling like I'm at a point now where I have a bunch of this down and the system of things. A friend was kind enough to look over my CPR's. It was nice to have a second opinion on stuff and have him erase things for me.

I watched Walk the Line, the story about Johnny Cash. It's essentially him falling in love with June and going insane. But then we he really hits bottom and she can't leave him alone it's like things made sense. He needed her to rescue him from the insanity that he had been plunged into because of his obsession with her. We make obsessions for ourselves and then need that object of our obsession to free us, release us, save us from the obsession. It was interesting to see the ideas of the article from yesterday present themselves so perfectly in his story. I would have liked to see more of the story of his music. As is, the movie is just another love story, although it's not a usual one. But I guess that it reflects what his life was. We see J.R. Cash as the person of Johnny who was on stage, who had stories in his music. But his life might not have revolved around his music in his own head. What we see our lives as being about can be totally different from what the world around us sees as our life. What does your life consist of in your brain? What do the people around you believe that your life consists of? They're probably two very different things. That's the discrepancy between what I believe a story about Johnny Cash should be about, and what he wrote about in his own story.

February 23, 2006

I read an article today in National Geographic that was a study about Love and the chemical reactions that happen in the brain when people "fall in love". It's the same chemical imbalance of dopamine that you see in a person who is diagnosed with OCD. Interesting that it has the same chemical levels and a lot of the same outward symptoms. Makes the actions of some make more sense. Look at history and stories of great loves and the extent which they're willing to go. They're all a little nuts. But then later comes a bonding chemical which makes people stick around with each other. National Geographic rocks.

February 22, 2006

Yet another mind-numbing day. I barely got through teaching today. I had another hour long make-up lesson tacked on to the end of my day. At least he was a cute University student. He was a nice kid. The rest of the day was the usual. It's days like these that will make me glad to not be teaching anymore. Last Saturday was a day that made me feel like I was going to miss teaching the kids. Today was succesful in reversing that.

I came home to some tuna on salad with wine and some downloaded History channel. A show of the first emperor of China. It's pretty good, very interesting. It's kind of cheesily done, but it's still really interesting. It's one guy who takes over the rest of the states within China and he unifies them. He's ruthless and takes over everything and kills his own family (half brothers and such). He gets all paranoid so he makes a whole "spiritual" army out of terra cotta who could take care of him after he dies from the souls of those he's sacrificed. Full sized and everything. Pretty rad. Once he takes over and then makes everything peaceful, he nees to keep things that way and he takes all the de-conscripted soldiers and such and starts to make a barrier to seal in the empire. A wall, if you like! He totally goes nuts. The legend goes that he was buried in a mosoleum that had a map of his empire around him with the rivers made of mercury. Seems that they've found it (near the army statue guys) and there's large amounts of mercury in the ground that has seeped in the same formation as the bodies of water are in the area of China the map was to represent. So far it looks like the legend has some truth to it. It's all done with digital imagine and such. The Chinese government doesn't want to go all nutso in to digging the place out because they don't want to disturb it. They're waiting for better technology to come along. Sounds like a good idea to me.

February 21, 2006

I managed to get three classes worth of planning done up to the week that I leave today. That's my goal for this week, each day, get as much done for the next month as possible so that I can chill and be normal for my remaining 3 weeks, after this week.

I came home, a bit early. My students for my last class didn't show. I had a 2 hour break and then a 90 minute class to finish, so I actually finished teaching at 5:30 tonight, but because no one called, I had to stick around the school until 8:30. That's lame. But I got a lot done so that was good. I was supposed to stay until 9 so I got at least a half hour off. So when I got home, I made some chicken salad, yummy, lots of garlic and danced around while making dinner in my skirt and tank top to some fab New Wave music, which for those who don't know what it is, is far from being "new" music. Made me wish I had someone around the house to appreciate how totally hot I am!!

My brain feels like butter. All mushy soft butter that's been left out on the counter for to long. Like the plate of butter that always seemed to reside on top of our microwave when I was young. Our kitchen was always too hot (except in the winter, but even then, if it was sunny it would get warm) because of all the windows so the butter lived in a little white bowl that sometimes was on top of the microwave and sometimes in the cupboard above the roll up with the Cuisine Art, next to the stove. Sometimes you'd go to grab the little bowl type container and you'd stick your thumb right into the middle of a liquidy mess of melted butter. How you were supposed to spread it on your rye toast, I'll never understand, but there it was, as constant as the rain in Victoria and the school bus on Monday morning. That's how my brain feels today. Liquidy, partially coagulated mess. Mmmm, butter.

February 19, 2006

I woke up this morning to Yoko canceling on me.  We were supposed to get together, but it was for the best cause I really didn't sleep much last night.  I talked online to Wade for a bit and booked a flight from Vancouver to Nanaimo and talked to Dad.  So, I really wasn't asleep before 4.  After the call, I went back to bed and lay there for much of the morning and then slept again till like 2.  It was nice to sleep.  I had weird dreams though.  Seems to be a daily occurrence.  Or shall I say, a nightly occurrence.

I cleaned up a bit.  I did some stuff online (banking and what-not).  I made some spaghetti and now I'm writing.  I'm going to possibly do some reading and I’m gong to watch more tv.  That's my big plans for the day.  Maybe I should study some Japanese before my class tomorrow.  Yeah, we'll see about that.

February 18, 2006

I have been pretty busy the last few days and it kinda feels good.  I think that I was being too lazy and spending too much time thinking.  Today I didn't get up as early as I had hoped for, but I was still able to get in to plan for my five classes (I got 2 extras tacked on) and then when I was done teaching I was able to get my planning for Tuesday all ready which will be a life saver that morning.  The one thing that I was aware of through the day was how I felt about the kids I was with.  My first class was Yui and Kenshin (plus others) and they have a special place in my heart.  Yui was the one who it took like a month to get him to come out from under the table when I first started.  Kenshin was actually relatively well behaved today, which was astounding, but more than that he was really close to me.  We were looking at the wallchart of the text page, which we'll never do again because they practically ripped it apart, and he came and sat next to me behind the rest of the kids and he sat really close and I realized that I had put my arm around him and he was just sitting there really content.  It was just a tender moment and really sweet that he felt comfortable with me and it touched my heart.  I'm really going to miss a lot of these kids.  A lot of them I won't, but there will always be a few that in 5 years I will wonder, "What did they turn out like?  What are they doing now?"

So after work and staying an extra two hours to get stuff done, I got home and was feeling fairly invigorated.  I decided to go for a run.  I haven't run in like 4 months!  I was a little afraid of what it was going to be like but I dropped everything as soon as I walked in, got changed and headed right out the door.  I knew that if I didn't move quickly, I would get settled in and that would be the end of me for the night.  I ran for a good 20 minutes without stopping or getting winded and felt really good doing it.  It was an amazing experience to be able to go out for a run and have it not be a big deal.  I wasn't dead tired or winded or in pain.  It was just a run.  I just needed to move.  This must be what other people feel like when they exercise!!  I was really surprised that my heart rate was a bit up but not thumping in my ears.  I must be in better shape than I thought and it's inspiring me to continue living healthily when I return to Canada.  I'm excited for working out to not be a big deal and something that I can go do if I have a spare half hour or hour.

After running, I rinsed off quickly and called LeeAnne to see if they were still up for having company.  She had invited me over before, so I went off, feeling good about exercising, which of course lead to another 15 minute bike ride which is so good for me.  We hung out a bit and they fed me salad and then we watched a video of a preacher they like.  It was interesting.  He definitely preaches the word and does so boldly, but it's almost too much.  I felt like I was being yelled at and that he had a sort of righteous indignation about him that was bordering arrogance.  He had a few good points but I had some real issues when he talked about kicking people out of the church (Christians, not non-believers) who had sin in their lives that they were unrepentant of.  He picked an unfortunate example that made me mad.  And of course, he had scripture (mostly of the rich young ruler, and I think it was Corinthians) to back up his position and justify "acting in love".  I understand the premise of not being permissive, but I think there should be a balance of screaming at someone supposedly "in love" and "as a brother", and truly loving a person.  There's nothing I hate more, well I'm sure there is but it would be a top of my list thing, than people within the church who say they are calling you on the sin in your life because it's what we're called to do as brothers and sisters.  You don't know my sin and I don't know yours so back off.  If you are a true friend and have a right and place in my life to call me on something then you will know how to do that in a way so that I will respond positively because you know me.  I can't see the benefit of being yelled at by a practical stranger.  Made me feel like I should just give up and go and live on the "Dark Side".

He spoke also about the 10 virgins who were waiting for the bride groom and many of them ran out of oil.  It was an interesting take that most of us hadn't heard before.  They were all waiting for the bridegroom, they all had lamps, they all had light, they even all fell asleep.  But not all of them went with the bridegroom when he arrived.  The ones who had run out of oil hadn't given up everything, back at the camping goods store, to buy all the oil they could possibly get.  What got me was that they were all waiting, they were all the same except for the amount that they had given to buy all they could.  It made me feel like God was saying, "You will be one of the ones who will not get to come with me.  I will say to you, 'I don't know you'".  Made me want to give up.  Which was probably not the intended purpose of the preacher, but that's where it left me.

February 17, 2006

Today was long at work.  I totally didn't want to get up this morning.  I got through all my planning right away and then I even got a little bit of one CPR done.  I stayed longer and got most of them all done.  My brain is now fried.  Long day.  I haven't eaten much tonight.  Didn't have dinner.  Now I need to hit the hay at like one in the morning because today I got an extra hour of teaching time and I have to finish my CPR's (paperwork) for Saturdays and all my planning for Tuesday classes.  Makes me look forward to going home.  That's not a very common thought for me right now.  It's really starting to hit me more that I'm going.  I took a look at the thing that the school gave me to get an idea of what's going on for leaving and what I need to do.

February 15, 2006

I'm trying to get some writing done and it's not happening.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Probably comes from having chips and dip and wine as food all day and from crying most of today.  I feel the panic rising.  I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 5 weeks with my mental stability intact.  Panicky.  I hate that feeling.

It's nice that it's warmed up more lately.  The last two days have been down right warm for most of the time.  Even at night, I don't need my full jacket anymore.  I went for a walk tonight after 8 and all I was wearing was a tank top and my zip up hoodie.  Kinda cool that I can do that.  Makes me happy to think of not being here come August.  It really is horrid here in the summer.  I'm sure it will get cold again, but it's nice to have the break.

I talked with Marcus about it for like an hour this afternoon.  I just needed someone to listen to me so that I could try and get some of this out and figure out what is going on inside my head.  Thanks Marcus, you're a good friend.

February 13, 2006

I didn't do much today.  I cooked a bit, not for myself, for a friend.  Then I went to Taeko's for dinner.  She came by a little early to pick me up.  It was just me, Taeko, Akiko and her husband.  It was really traditional.  She had her display for Dolls day up.  It's a girls festival and they have a big display of dolls and stuff.  It was quite elaborate.  There's like a few levels, first has some animals, some furniture, some people, some court people, some musicians, and then the prince and the princess.  The food was really amazing.  Very fresh, low cholesterol, delicious food.  We watched the Olympic women's snowboarding and cheered on both Japan and Canada.

February 12, 2006

I went out tonight with some fellow teachers for kaiten sushi.  It was in honour of LeeAnne's birthday that was several weeks ago.  We were pretty famous in the restaurant.  The crazy foreigners trying to eat sushi.  The staff was nice and helpful, but it's still weird to be an "experience" for them.  Like something that they'll go home and tell their family about.  "How was work dear?  You smell like fish as always" "Oh it was work.  The usual.  Takahiro cut off his hand instead of the fish's head.  Oh, and there was a group of crazy foreigners that came in.  I said two words in English to them.  They looked like they were having a good time." "Oh wow!  You saw foreigners.  That's nice.  Now get me my beer woman."  Yeah.  I'll look forward to being unremarkable.  Then we went back to their place and watched some Japanese tv and learned some origami and played Pit and watched some Olympics on tv.  It was a nice night.

February 9, 2006

Interesting talk with a fellow teacher today.  We were discussing it on the train platform and on the way home.

Most people don't help when someone falls or is passed out.  I was thinking about this the other day when I was hanging in the park in the dark.  What if someone konked me over the head?  I would be out there on the ground and no one would do anything about it.  It is not uncommon to see a person, although usually a man, sleeping in a corner somewhere.  Well dressed people, passed out drunk in public.  So if I were there, in the park, konked by someone, no one would do anything to see if I was okay.  It would be like, "Hey, look at the crazy, drunk, passed out, gaijin chick.  Those darn foreigners are so irresponsible" and I'd be dying from brain hemmoraging.  They  would pretend like they don't see.  If someone falls on the train, or the street, most people just keep their heads down.  It's important to pretend like you don't see the people around you, so no matter what the circumstances, you need to "not notice".  That's my take.

February 6, 2006

I haven't been learning anything from my Japanese lesson anymore.  Mum had a really good idea today when I talked to them this afternoon.  Instead of having the regular lesson we should just get together and do some cultural thing, like go to a museum or something.

I headed home and was going to do some grocery shopping, but when I got to the vegetable shop there were these crazy old ladies and they kept pushing me around and getting in my face so I ditched it.  Everything just made me angry.  I feel like I've been getting more and more angry as everyday passes.  I'm definitely swearing more.  Not very out loud.  Usually just under my breath or in my own brain.  I feel like I'm living on edge.  Anything can set me off.  Everything sets me off.

February 5, 2006

Didn't leave my house today.  I'm getting fatter and weaker everyday.  I don't think that's actually true, it just feels like it.  Well, the weaker is probably true.  I want to be out of here now, but I don't want to leave.  I really just want to not work.  Especially after finding out about the disappointment that I am to some and how I'm inappropriate.

February 1, 2006

Today was actually not mind numbing today.  The last two days I've been getting lots of planning done during my time at the school.  It must be Mum praying for me cause she said she would be after I told her that I felt like I couldn't keep my head above water.  I just hope that I'm able to keep taking the opportunities that I have in front of me and keep ahead.  I can see that I'll just stop caring and stop being ahead after my break in a weeks time.  I have a week and a half till I get 5 days off.  How my days play out have got me questioning how I work.  I used to thrive on the fast paced stressful environment, but now it just fries me and I can't handle it.  It's like I'm getting lazier in my old age and it seems like I don't want to work.  But I do like to work.  I like doing things and organizing, but I think the change is that I want to work on my own time.  I'm not afraid of putting in tonnes of hours of work, but I need to be in the mind frame for it, otherwise I self-destruct.  I felt today like I could have kept going, kept planning.  Other days, I feel like I can teach one class and then I'm done.  I wonder if it's all a matter of lack of discipline in myself.

January 30, 2006

I know I'm a bad little girl.  I am just trying to stay afloat right now.  Work has been really busy and it's one of those times where you feel like you get up, go to work, come home, go to bed (although not sleep), get up, go to work....Sometimes you can feel busy, but there's still more to life than just the one thing in front of you.  Right now isn't one of those times.  It feels like I live in my own brain and can't see beyond a foot in front of me.  When I was living in Egmont, there were nights that were so pitch black that I actually, quite literally, couldn't see my hand in front of me.  There were a few nights when I was walking "home" from the main bottom building, either after watching CSI with Robin or staying late to work on the computer, that I had to just keep walking trusting in my own sense of direction and hope that there wasn't a bear directly in front of me cause, other than the smell, I'd have never have known it till it was too late.  It's an odd sensation to walk without being able to see when you would think there would be at least a bit of light from the stars or lights from Robin's or Vancouver.  I feel like I'm doing the same again.  Going on auto-pilot without being able to see a foot in front of me.  I like living in the moment, but there's a balance between living in the moment and not being able to see anything else around you or in front of you.  Sometimes the blindness is a good thing so that I'm concentrated fully on the very moment (usually of a simple joy that I want to cling to) that I am, but it's nice to have the option of being able to have a concept of where you are.  I have no concept of time right now and am pretty lost when it comes to thinking about leaving here.  Can't think of much in front of me.  So the writing has come to a stop because I can't process anything.  That's my excuse.  If you have a problem with that you can talk to my lawyer.  I don't have a lawyer.

January 29, 2006

I haven't really been sleeping.  I got up this morning and Chris called, so I decided to head into Tokyo to do some stuff.  Never mind.  It was nice to hang out with them.  It won't be long before I won't be able to do it without a transcontinental flight.  I got stuff done and we had dinner.  Sukiyaki.  A big warming pot full of thin sliced meat, mushrooms, rice vermicelli, tofu, greens, Chinese cabbage, foo, all cooked in soy sauce, hot water and brown sugar.  Then you dip the goodness in raw egg.  It's so good and I ate way too much.

January 27, 2006

Man, I have had the week from hell.  I'm not sleeping again.  It's currently 10 to 4 and I'm not actually tired right now.  Correction.  I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.  Mum and I had a really good talk about stuff, being a mother and being daughters.  It was really cool.

January 24, 2006

Not having a good time.  I had a pretty good day at work, although it's really long.  I talked about Robbie Burns today.  The ladies class really enjoyed it.  Then, during my break I had this horrible feeling of panic when I realized that today I am 8 weeks to departure.  I feel like my chest is going to cave in on itself.

January 23, 2006

The snow here is interesting.  Or rather, the Japanese attitude towards cold and snow is interesting.  Back home, we dress for the weather.  When it's raining, we wear more jackets, particularly water proof ones.  When it's snowing, we don't continue to wear miniskirts.  Snow removal is interesting as well.  Today, I saw kids outside the school,  hacking away at the sheet of ice that is the school parking lot. They don't seem to have a concept of rock salt.  They send people out to chip away at the ice.  At the bank today, there was a guy out front in a suit with a hammer, whacking away at the sheet of ice in front of the bank.

January 22, 2006

I slept for like 13 hours last night. I had a weird dream about spiders. Lots of spiders in Harry Potter. And I had a weird dream that I was living somewhere random, by the sea but Japanese speaking and Dad came to visit me and we had to go grocery shopping but things worked differently and he kept making mistakes. I was living in a big house with people, I think mostly boys, and this young thing kept coming to the door while only Dad was home and making him uncomfortable because she wouldn't go away, so I went to the door the next time she came around asking for some of the boys by name (I can't remember the names) and I told her off and she kind of went away. At one point, as I was going into the grocery store there was something about a kid, either I saw a kid, or had a kid with me. I can't remember specifics, a lot of it is just feelings that there was something there. It was really random and really vivid.

I am feeling really torn about going home now. I really don't want to stay and I really don't want to teach. I actually feel a rising sense of panic when I think of having to teach on any given day, even though I totally know what I'm doing now. I am having a hard time thinking of home and thinking of plans for when I get home because that means thinking of leaving and I don't want to do that. So it means that I can't make plans for Canada and then because I don't have anything set I'm all foggy and flustered here. I know I'll be fine, it's just the way I feel right now.

January 21, 2006

It was so cold this morning when I woke up and I couldn't figure out why.  My heat was on, I had blankets, but it was cold.  I opened the curtains and we have serious snow today.  There's several inches on the ground.  Made things very interesting getting to work.  I haven't ever ridden my bike in much snow before.

I was supposed to go to Karaoke tonight for Dave Noe's birthday, but my stomach has been rumbling all night.  I got dressed and everything to walk to the station just after 9.  I was standing in front of the door staring and it and I just couldn't handle the thought of being away from my toilet and my bed for more than 10 minutes.  So I took off my clothes that I had just put on and called Dave and cancelled.  I felt bad, but I really don't want to move.  So I'll watch Harry Potter and go to bed.

January 19, 2006

We had the group picture today at work.  It was wild having everyone all in one place.  From photo day a few of us went for a coffee and then Gina and I hit the trains to get up to Shiroi.  It took us just under an hour and a half from school to school.  That's ridiculous.  It was a long full day and she and I decided to stay at school to finish up our CPR's and such.  I got home just after 10:30.

January 17, 2006

My day is so freaking long.  I really like all the people in my classes today, but it's all just so long.  I got home just after 10 tonight.  It's long.  So now I'm watching John Stewart on my Dad's new flashy comp and writing on this one.  It's a great time.  I'm loving watching things in big pretty colour and in real time.  THERE'S NO LAG!!!!!  Jon's voice matches the movement on his lips.  The thing is that now I'm addicted to the thing.  I just want to stare at it constantly.  I'm in love with the LCD.  I want to have it's children.  It's just so beautiful.

January 16, 2006

I had a great day today, I cleaned up and spent a bunch of time talking to the parental units and Marcus, Marc and Amanda on line. I was so worried last night that I was going to be called in to work today as a sub cause so many teachers are sick, that I stayed up till like 4 in the morning talking to mum and dad and lying in bed with my mind racing. I have been non-stop go and I think there may be caffeine in Day-Quill cause it's definitely messed with my sleeping habits.

January 14, 2006

I feel horrible. I found some DayQuill in my apartment that made me very happy and possibly saved my life today. Last night at like 6 pm, a bunch of faxes came flying in to Kita about 15 minutes apart that were Trial Lessons and MakeUp privates, all for me, for today. It effectively brought me 30 minutes short of DOUBLE my teaching time today. It was all booked by Megumi. Megumi is my new nemesis. I don't know who I am more displeased with, Megumi or DPB (that's Downstairs Pee Boy, for anyone who has forgotten who my official, certified nemesis is). My kids were cute today and I'm really going to miss those two classes. I've spent a whole year with them. They even look different than they did when I started with them. I'm torn about going home. I mean I want to go, but I'm starting to look around here more everyday at things that I'm not going to see again. I like my flat here. I like my neighbourhood. I'm going to miss being in Japan and the opportunity that I have to be somewhere exciting. There's no way I could have lived differently and survived this year, barring keeping my heart under heavily guarded lock and key, but I know that there are going to be things that I regret when I leave. I'm going to miss having a pay cheque that enables me to live a very comfortable life. It's going to be hard to go home. And yet, SO EASY!

January 12, 2006

I should have gone to bed earlier last night, but I called the house just cause I felt like quickly saying hello.  I ended up "quickly saying hello" for over an hour and maxed out on my Skype Out minutes.  LeeAnne came over in the morning and we sat in the sunshine in my empty room and drank tea and talked about spiritual things and things to pray for.  Then we prayed.

Gina's really sick and was having a horrible day at work.  I left feeling worse than before, I think I caught her cold on top of my cough.

January 10, 2006

I woke up this morning to SNOW!! It wasn't really much of anything, just a dusting on the roof tops. Evidently Niigata has got like 4 metres of snow. One of my students today, her grandparents live there and usually they just get out of the second story window all winter. This year they can't even to that as the snow is higher so they have to be constantly digging out the window and clearing the snow, just so that they won't get buried in their own house. Now that's something to make the Canadians back home sit up and take notice of!!! The Prairie folk have got it easy compared to that. And take note...no central heating.

January 9, 2006

I woke up nice and late this morning after a nice sleep on Chris and Yasuko's nice soft futon. Their futon is so much softer than mine. Mine's thin and hard. Theirs is soft and thick. Same with the pillows.

As I said yesterday, it is a National Holiday today. I wasn't sure what it was for though. So I asked. They informed me that it was the coming of age day. Oh yeah. I'd forgotten. So the deal is that on January 9th, everyone who has turned 20, the legal age here, gets to be a part of a national coming of age day celebration thing. The girls all get dressed up in kimono and get their hair done and nails and the whole thing. They have white fur stoles that go over their shoulders (it is January afterall). The boys get dressed up all shubui like (that's "dashing, debonaire, Bond-esque" like). There's a tea ceremony, then a party. Then most people break off into smaller groups of friends for yet more parties, usually involving strings of restaurants and karaoke bars. The closest thing I can liken it to would be like a national prom day for all 20 year olds. So with this going on, Shibuya, where we went to meet Chris and Yasuko's new friends, was all a flutter with activity. There were street performers, which is difficult to do considering the main intersection for the area out side the station is the busiest in the world. There was this little Chinese thing doing contortions right in the middle of the street with a huge crowd around her. There were stands of food, mostly mochi, and tonnes of people everywhere. We saw some people making mochi. It's rice in this round wood frame, bowl, type, thing that they pound with great big wooden hammer, round hockey stick, type looking things. One person puts their hand in and turns it while the person is taking a swing then, bam, the pounder hits the rice then swoop up, the guy puts their hand in to turn it and, bam, down it comes again. It's pretty cool. Of course, with all this going on and young ones everywhere in kimono and such...I didn't bring my camera. I always carry my camera with me, at least my digital, but because my back was bugging me and I was only going in for Sunday afternoon and night, in Akihabara of all places, I didn't bring it with me. I've learned my lesson. Oh, and I missed taking pictures of the teenage musical monstrosity that was performing out on the corner on a stage that was all hyped up to be a big deal. High boots, short skirts, giggling, sleeveless fur vests, long straight blond hair, no talent. All men watching them. I can't believe I missed it. They didn't even sing. It was just them dancing, and not well at that.

We met with Chris and Yasuko's friends. He's from Montreal and she was living there, but is Japanese. He doesn't speak Japanese and she doesn't speak French, so, you guessed it, they speak to each other in English. Wild that it's neither one of their native language but it's what this married couple uses to communicate. Interesting. We went for Korean food on the 8th floor of one of the high rises just near the station. We told stories and talked and talked about poutine! It was a good time. Then it was time for me to get back cause I was tired and I had a long trek home lugging the computer around and a bunch of my stuff that had been in my pack at the Bracken/Kobayashi's place.

January 8, 2006

I went into Tokyo today to meet with Paul for church. It's a Hawaiian missionary and his Japanese wife. They do the service in both English and Japanese. She translates for him. It's pretty cool. It's a pretty usual kind of song "worship" for an evangelical kind of church. The message was really good. It's simple (especially when he has to stop every sentence for it to be translated, but it's done pretty naturally) but the essence of the message is something to chew on.

I went and met Chris and Yasuko at Akihabara to find a laptop for Dad with an English OS. It was interesting. We really only found the two places with English systems and they were identical in selection an price. I'm sure I could have swung something, but it's a pretty nice machine and a fair price so I wasn't worried about 5 and 10 yenning it, or nickel and diming it.

We went back to their place for some dinner and a night of cards. We had a big ol' pot of nabe which is meat, fish, dumplings, tofu, noodles and veggies all cooked in a broth on the table. And rice. Chris made me eat natto again with my rice. At least it was just a little bit. I can't believe he ate like the rest of the container. It's not a fun texture. I realized after some of my whinings that I may have been instigating a cultural faux-pas. But I think I'm safe. There's something about saying a food is gross that is not a polite thing. But I think that when it's culturally accepted that the food is a little odd, it's almost like a joke to watch people not enjoy it. I take great delight in watching Americans (usually only skinny, not glutinous ones) be totally disgusted with the description of poutine, or my unnatural love of Maple syrup on everything in sight. The Japanese seem to get a good kick out of watching people, particularly gaijin, eat natto. Yasuko even said that they know it's unpleasant, but they still love it. Chris likened it to the Blue Cheese phenomenon. No one would be offended if someone was trying Blue Cheese for the first time and they made a face, or had tried it previously and was quite adamant on not eating it again. Yet, there are people who ADORE the stinky, smelly, moldy cheese. Grandad adored it. He loved to eat it with apple or just plain. He used to laugh at Ryan and I when we would make faces, and then he would snort and shack his head and say something to the effect of "You're missing out on the finer things in life if you don't like Blue Cheese". I realized tonight that I might be offending someone by my distaste for natto, but now I'm really okay with it because it is like a joke, a socially acceptable thing to be disgusted with. I raved about the rest of the food, so I think I'm safe.

They convinced me to stay the night, as Monday is a National Holiday. Not that it's a holiday at the school, it's still open, but it's my usual day off. So I stayed. I've really wrecked my back somehow so we moved to the floor and played some cards. We played one card game that has 12 suits and 4 cards per suit. You make pairs of the cards to get the points. The cards vary in points from 1, 5, 10 and 20. It was cool. I think we were trying to hard cause we were trying to figure out a good strategy, but really it's quite simple and there's no getting around it so it's just a matter of making the pair or not. Then I taught them Hearts. It was fun to play again. I do love that game. Chris kept trying to shoot for the moon. I'm all about sticking it everyone by never getting any points what so ever. While others are all about going for gusto in the hopes of screwing everyone else over. Two very different ways of going at the game and both types of people are so easy to spot in the first few hands of a game.

January 7, 2006

I know I should write. I'm tired. It's 2:43 in the morning. I'm going to bed.

Today is Marc and Amanda's wedding
Today is Clifton's wedding (I can't remember his wife's name and I can't find the email he sent me)
Today is Kevin's birthday

What an eventful day.

January 5, 2006

I had to get my sorry butt out of bed before noon today. Going back to work is gonna SUUUUUCCK. I was at least happy for the reason to get out of bed. Yoko and I met (although I ended up being 10 minutes, which equals about a half hour late Canadian time, unless your Mrs B, then it's like an hour and a half late) at Shanti for a wonderful Indian Curry lunch. We ate good food and talked and laughed. Then we walked around for quite some time. Back to my place for tea. We talked about the history behind Christmas and what the point of Easter is. I enjoyed sharing with her some of the things that I believe and I was interested to hear what she believes. I will miss her when I'm gone.

After grabbing a quick bite and looking everywhere for my Round 1 card, which may have been shipped back to Canada with the Brackens, I headed off on another adventure with Drlfan. This time it was in the dark. Oooooo, spooky. (4 year old Reiko likes to say that) About a week ago I figured out how to ride to the station two stops away. You would think that it would be easier to find the stop between those two. But it isn't. For one, there's a University Campus between my house and the station. Second, the station's underground. So I got on the net and found a map of the area and of the campus and I figured out the way to go through the campus to get to the station. All was going well, until I came out on the other side of the campus right next to the station and I had to pass through a small gate next to security. It was fine leaving the campus, but how on earth was I to get back in on my way home. I'll figure that out later. So I did it. I found a way to make it to the other station that, without the security problem would actually be closer to my house than the usual Kita-Narashino station.

I made it to Murakami in record time and found that I had a half hour to kill. So I went to the mall across the street (I hate malls, I especially hate Japanese malls) because there was nothing better to do. I only shopped at Uni-Qlo cause it's the only store that has sizes that I sometimes fit. I have to get women's XL and at that they're not baggy at all. I found a sweater and a shirt for 2050 yen (that's like 20 bucks) together. And then I found a friend who used to work with us teachers at the school! It was good to see her as I haven't seen her in soooo long. She was our life line when she worked with us. She came along with me to see the rest of the gang and had a beer, but then had to go because she's a Tokyo working girl now and has a long commute everyday. We met up with a bunch of teachers and headed upstairs for some magical bowling memories. It was a good time. It always is. The new guy even got a strike on the blacklight bowling so it meant that we got to have our picture taken with him in the bowling pin suit. There wasn't too many of us and who was there was really cool. It was chill and a good time.

I got off at Funabashi-Nichidaimae and hoped for the best. I wasn't too hard due to my previous Adventure with Mall Finding. I ended up near, and then subsequently on, a construction path that I had taken on my way home. Easy peasy. It's still way easier to go through the campus, as opposed to down a big hill then having to truck back up a big hill, but I'll take what I can get.

All day I have been fighting off a rising panicky feeling. I don't want to think about tomorrow until it actually comes upon me and I walk up the stairs of the Kita school. I'm not the only one to feel this way either.

January 4, 2006

I really haven't moved for this whole week. I've slept, I've read, I've watched inordinate amounts of tv. Tonight for dinner I reheated some rice, put it in a bowl with some chopped lettuce and some mayo and stirred it all up. It was quite fabulous. It's my new Dinner of Champions. Or rather, my new Dinner of People Who Are Too Indifferent And Lazy To Go Grocery Shopping For Just Over 2 Weeks. That's long name. I don't think that would ever fit on a menu.

I did actually leave my house today. I had somthing I had to go do and I went by some friends' place to drop off a hat that I made. They're both really, really sick. Just yesterday she started to feel better. She'd had a fever of over 39. That's dangerous stuff. I felt like I was going to a Plague house, like there should be a big black mark over their door as a warning to all who would come near. Contagion, stay away. Then I came back home and watched some more West Wing (my new addiction, next to mayo and MTV's Daria on streaming) and I finally got to see Transporter 2. Highly entertaining. Most of it I had no problem suspending my disbelief, but the thing with the plane, I had issues with. So what if he can spin his car off a ramp and knock off an exploding device from the bottom of his car by hitting a crane hook and then landing perfectly. It's an action flick. It's not rocket science. So what if the plot rather mirrored that of MI2 only instead of the pretty lady being infected with a virus it was a pretty lady's kid first, then the pretty lady. That's fine. I can suspend all of that. But when they shoot the pilot and the plane starts doing all these acrobatics, and straight up in the air to stall out and then plummet down and then spin around, all while the two guys inside are duking it out and neither one of them is being rendered unconscious (even though both were able to render everyone else in the movie unconscious, I guess it only goes one way), it was just a bit much. But highly entertaining. It would have been even better if my video had been able to keep in sync with the audio. It's always fun to hear an explosion and then to watch it in freeze frame like 6 seconds later.

I was hoping that with the silence here and the lack of activities that I would start having these wonderful epiphanies and spiritual or life truths that I could digest and write about. I've found that the less I do, the less I want to do. I hit boredom in and around the 1st or 2nd. But then if you just stick with it you'll come out the other side completely content with not moving and not doing a thing. I had to really resign myself to it and be committed to the lack of anything, but now I've reached the point where I'm enjoying having the opportunity to sit and stare at a wall for a few hours. Which, by the way, I did yesterday for just under 2 hours. It was a good time. Then, I stopped, snuggled down in my bed even further than I already was, and fell asleep for about an hour at like 7 at night. I don't know if I could actually do this forever, but it would be a fun experiment to see if I could and still enjoy it. I liked going out for a walk the other night, in my pj bottoms, in search of the mikan popsicles that I so love (blue wrapper, never did find them, found other ones, but no the blue wrapper ones with whole chunks of mikan in them), and then I got back and was even happier to be home. That was two nights ago, I think. They're all starting to blur into each other. Ah, glorious blur.