January 30, 2006

I know I'm a bad little girl.  I am just trying to stay afloat right now.  Work has been really busy and it's one of those times where you feel like you get up, go to work, come home, go to bed (although not sleep), get up, go to work....Sometimes you can feel busy, but there's still more to life than just the one thing in front of you.  Right now isn't one of those times.  It feels like I live in my own brain and can't see beyond a foot in front of me.  When I was living in Egmont, there were nights that were so pitch black that I actually, quite literally, couldn't see my hand in front of me.  There were a few nights when I was walking "home" from the main bottom building, either after watching CSI with Robin or staying late to work on the computer, that I had to just keep walking trusting in my own sense of direction and hope that there wasn't a bear directly in front of me cause, other than the smell, I'd have never have known it till it was too late.  It's an odd sensation to walk without being able to see when you would think there would be at least a bit of light from the stars or lights from Robin's or Vancouver.  I feel like I'm doing the same again.  Going on auto-pilot without being able to see a foot in front of me.  I like living in the moment, but there's a balance between living in the moment and not being able to see anything else around you or in front of you.  Sometimes the blindness is a good thing so that I'm concentrated fully on the very moment (usually of a simple joy that I want to cling to) that I am, but it's nice to have the option of being able to have a concept of where you are.  I have no concept of time right now and am pretty lost when it comes to thinking about leaving here.  Can't think of much in front of me.  So the writing has come to a stop because I can't process anything.  That's my excuse.  If you have a problem with that you can talk to my lawyer.  I don't have a lawyer.